we're men of snow;

So... love. I remembered writing an entry about love in the past, but I felt it was too.. vulnerable. Too close to the heart to let anyone read it. To give someone, anyone, a chance to know the dark twisty corners of my mind. I haven't visited this place in ages, it's too.. How am I suppose to feel? 

Lately, Love has been in our minds. We're constantly wondering the rights and wrongs, what did we not do or what did we do? What should we do? The why and what ifs and hows.... We don't know. Will we ever know? We think we know the feeling.. how it should be, what it should be.. But when we're faced with it, we just lose it. We ask ourselves, "Where is the supposed intensity? Where is the instant chemistry? Where is the supposed awkwardness that could be a trigger of something explosive?" Just 3 girls and infinite amount of questions......... Answers are floating in the space above our heads just like stars in the sky. We can locate them but we can't pluck them and keep it in a bottle. We can't. Why? We just can't. And there we go again and again. The water flows, the sun shines, we breathe, we kiss and tell.. We think we do every now and then but we still find ourselves slipping and grasping about in the dark. We're blindedfolded all the way through it and we still do it. We still put our hearts out despite it all... Despite it all. 

They say it's the journey that matters, not the end. So I tell myself every time I experience a new feeling or emotion - Savour it. Have I said this before? In the lowest, darkest of cloudy hazy thoughts, I tell myself to savour this moment. Up in the rainbows and sun shining through my every atom, I tell myself to savour this moment. I keep them somewhere in me. I tuck them in different parts of me - behind my eyes, beneath my hairs, under fleeting shadows that quietly traces the outline of my body parts.... All because I know that someday, somewhere, there would be a justification of my repeated devastation and ecstasy. That a moment would arrive when I knew it all meant something...

We all think it could be love. Somewhere under that nonchalant smile, that bitchy flick of the hand, that irritated shrug... We could be thinking it might be love. I would say yes, it is love. But love doesn't have to be between two people.. It could be between you and me, the quiet love in reading, the hazardous love for nature.. Anything. It's an escalation of it all, isn't it? I'd love to indulge in that insanity one day. See? Love. 

Today, I told my friend that I could not love somebody for everything they are and for everything they're not. I could not see how I could love a person - flaws and all. The bumps of their face, their crooked nose, their fits of anger, their hurtful sarcasm... How does one love another despite it all? What is the magical string that binds it all? How do you wake up to somebody with a gazillion zits and call them beautiful? How do you love somebody who stomped all over your heart and then demand for your forgiveness with a simple sorry? How do you think and breathe for someone else who hasn't been there for your entire life? How? How does one love despite it all?

Maybe it is just me... Maybe I can't bring myself to love another because there are so many reasons not to. Maybe I am finding reason after reason to not like about somebody. Maybe I don't see beauty in the ugliest of things. Maybe.... maybe I don't know how to love. But most of all... I think I can't see how anyone can love me. I don't see how anyone can love me for me - my fleeting moments of detachment, my unpredictable mood swings and gypsy tendencies, my uncouth habits, my unperfect face, my unsatisfaction, my absurd behaviour, for my loud and asthmatic laughter, my perpetual dislike for any display of my own vulnerability, my "jack of all trades, master of none" skills, my undecided thoughts and feelings, my.... my... me. My head and heart can't settle in a place, can anyone take that? My brutal honesty followed by my softening.. can anyone take that? My silences and strange twisted thoughts.. can anyone take that? Is it not love and but instead some sort of insanity that could perhaps have hypnotized one into believing one is in love? Is it then just not meant to be for me? Questions... I have so many questions.. it just blows away with the wind because questions are just like leaves. They die and they born again. It looks new but it is all the same.. Again and again, the wind blows and trees grow old and the leaves just go and go and go..

Or maybe it is because I know that every now and then, someone would walk out of my life after seeing the ugliest of me... I don't know. So tell me how? I'll sleep on it tonight and perhaps never know the answer... but I'll find comfort in asking. At least, I asked. But soon, I'll tire of guessing... 

x L

can't go back now;

The Weepies and John Mayer. On repeat.

I'm having a terrible headache right now. Sometimes I wish I could just write just for myself. And not for grades on paper, not for any sort of analysis that goes in circles and ends up waiting for a revolution. The past two hours just made me feel lousier. A 300 word... thing could actually do damage to me. How amusing is that?

Other than that, I really need sleep. But I'm glad for a lot of other little things.. The love, the misery, the hands reaching out, the heart. Just to know there are other hearts reaching out.. feels good for now. Now, I just need a tiny step to a little heart out there.. :)

x L

they moved forward and my heart died

x

x Isn't Stars just lovely?

x Today I felt like making a mixtape

x Today I discovered new material and I haven't done so in ages, think I can go on forever.. I really should just work in some Indie/Folk radio station haha

x I am wearing warpaint right now.. my green mudmask is really amusing!

x eh, okay i'm gonna go do something productive

x i miss my angel ;)

x L

if it's you & i and i in spite of you;

x

Because I love The Weepies... Tremendously. And because it reminded me of an old friend I wish I could have back :) This one's for you in spite of everything. Don't swell up though, I'm talking to that old friend in you, not the new hardened one that reflected in my eyes the other day.. Still. 

x L

i'm a new soul in a new year;

(Yes it's korean but the general feel of the song is there okay! Click :))




x

So...... I just had an overwhelming feeling of.. Hmm. I feel at peace. At peace with the coming of the end of the year(yay!), at peace with where I am right now, at peace with a hell lot of things that I could be angry and sad about. 

You know fengshui and all that stuff? I was living temporarily at a place that was gonna be torn down and the fengshui was horrible(at least it felt like it). Lots of things happened, my dad had a bad fall the moment we shifted in and things were looking bleak from then on, and there was basically so much angst and negative really negative forces. I was definitely at the wrong place and wrong time.. Man that place was suffocating just thinking about it. I don't know if I could put the blame on it but maybe the transition of things in my life and the bad stuff that was happening in mine/everybody's life felt a little like the breath of hell. Or to be near a Demantor. Or maybe a little of the Dementor's kiss. 

Whatever it is, I'm glad I got out of there and the fact that I got a lot out on my own... but where I am staying at right now feels pretty awesome. Fresh air on the 15th floor, so near town, lots of food all around, this place feels homely. Not to mention, a lot of things are looking up :) Glad the worse part of my year was over but it sucked that it had to be near the end of the year... but I never really felt like 2010 was my year anyway.

Mmmm. I guess this year I allowed myself to let loose a little, let my heart roam a lot more than I would've allowed it to, lost my senses every now and then, lost sight of the goals I wanted to achieve, lost myself every now and then trying to find a way.. to somewhere, dealt with issues and people that hit home all the time, learnt a lot about people, damn I went too deep into my head and heart and got lost at every turn and corner, got to live out stories that didn't used to be mine, dealt with a sick Sasha  and lost two of the dogs that I grew up with but they led a long life so doggy heaven should be a pretty place for them, had a few "firsts" but WHERE IS MY MAN hahahahahahahah kidding, gave chances to people and opportunities that I would've never thought of but screw being uptight sometimes, got sucked into the whole beauty~ makeup~ scam but it's okay I want to indulge in it hee hee, talking about superficiality my face got a lot better!!!!!!! not taking it for granted though so I've been following certain regimes religiously, did I mention I picked up the guitar and got one!?!?!? sounds like an impulse buy but I still suck at it.... but I'm visioning that some cute guitarist will pick me up by volunteering free lessons HAHAHAHA k its just a fantasy, dealing with a lot more issues of the heart no matter who it is, being immature and childish and saying stupid things and doing stupid things, ohmygod there's so much more and I'm slowly losing it.... but of course... still learning a hell lot and I'm sure I'm gonna kick ass in life one day.

After a good talk with my sister about life/people/supernatural experiences, I feel that I have a lot to be thankful for. My life.. has been cushy so far and a lot of people who are living waaaay cushier lives really should feel so much more thankful but ok that's them, not me. So 2011 is a new adventure as cliche and lame as it sounds but I'M A NEW SOUL I CAME TO THIS STRANGE WORLD~~ And yeah! Focus on the positivity. 

I sometimes do wish I could've said or done things a lot better, sometimes I wish I could take sweet revenge *flicks hair*, but all in all, tonight feels as if it's time to forgive and to be fragile with people and to bury everything and just start it all on a new clean slate. It's gonna hurt from time to time, but it's so much better when you're free from all the unnecessary burden/hatred when moving on's the best. I do feel sad for the friends lost and for the friends I have to begrudgingly let go off, and it's hard to be at peace with but you know, what can anyone say? If any of the party isn't too keen, what can you do right?

That quote that says to not regret what you did or had and to keep in mind that that was what you wanted? Makes total sense and it's sad/heart wrenching but hey, you got what you wanted even though it was for a while isn't it? So to the friends that I've loved and lost over the past year, cheers to you and I wish you happiness, the ability to be contented (everyone needs a little of this right) and my little bottle of sunshine if you do ever need it(cos I'm all about being sunshiney happy and having the sun shining from my mouth). And to the people I still love? I will still love you even if it's gonna make me stand in the middle of nowhere crying or if you got me fuming mad for days and days. I can be hella impossible but I'm shameless so I'm gonna say this, I'm pretty awesome in the long run HAHAHAHAHA :) (nope not gonna take that back and i don't care if you think otherwise K EAT THAT BITCHES *gets sasha to claw you*)

There's so much to be angry about you know? I can get pissed at people who dances in and out of my life whenever they want to, people who discounts my feelings, people who take me for granted, people who climbs over my head, people who thinks they have the upperhand at everything, people who tries to destroy others, people forcing immaturity/their mindset on others etc. But man, let it go already right? I wouldn't deny that certain feelings may surface from time to time but fuck it man, I don't like working with tensed up situations or people who still harbours bad feelings towards you or anything like that. So, I'm cool if you're cool aight? *does some hand gestures and bounces*

So well, I'm going into 2011 in peace. I have a lot to say to all that I love, I might say it or I might not, but just know, when I'm in peace, I want everything to be alright again :) *free hugs for y'all* (but erm, can you guys be more initiative. come tell me you love me and i'll do a song and dance for you if it makes you happy HAHAHA. entertaining is my specialisation ok this is getting from bad to worse i want my fudgey cupcake from gastromaniaaaaaaaa) So take it or leave it :)








goodbye 2010
x L

friends & lovers;

I thought out aloud about issues and questions and maybes and ifs about everything and I see it in.. a new light..? Possibilities that I didn't want to give myself any chance to think about seemed.. real for awhile.

And I struggled: do I read between the lines or do I take as I am given?

It's funny when you think about the light that people can think of you in. How you react and the words that you say in that moment may be so childlike and... distasteful.. Sometimes I'm sorry. Sometimes for the way I may project myself in situations, sometimes for being so rash, sometimes.. for just taking chances and a shot at being completely raw and honest.. and simply, sometimes for looking so stupid. But a lot times, I tell myself, if anyone were to know me better.. I'm always changing. Always. You see the worst in me you see the best in me, you can never pick one.

A lot of times you wish you could take back words said, or go back to a moment and try to make it alright.. but i'm not one to think about regret/what ifs so I live with it, and maybe wave a white flag or tell you to have a nice life. And a lot of times... I don't know what I want.

So.. are you honest with yourself and.. me? :)

x L

there's a fire starting in my heart;

The only obsession everyone wants: ‘love.’ People think that in falling in love they make themselves whole? The Platonic union of souls? I think otherwise. I think you’re whole before you begin. And the love fractures you. You’re whole, and then you’re cracked open.

The Dying Animal by Philip Roth

1. I can breathe and feel alive like a kid again

2. Remember that quote where you don't remember exactly what happened but how you felt at that moment? I think I've lost those moments. It feels like pages in my book has been slowly erased... I want it to be blank all over again :)

3. With or without you.... with or without me, am not dispensable or so easy to leave. I'm not made to be left or to be dispensable

4. Yeah, I'm not dispensable. Not a tool. Not so easy to love and leave.

5. That said, that's a good life lesson. Listen to that one kids, don't make it so easy for anyone to leave you. Go listen to some kick ass song about making people's lives hard when they're mean/treating you wrongly etc. hahahahahah okay or something uplifting *flicks hand

6. PHONE I HEAR YOU VIBRATING, STOP VIBRATING *chucks vibrating device to pervs*

.

.

.

I'm so lazy to edit photos and all that nonsense! So busy, and today I finally had some time to myself but time alone never feels enough.. So much to do. Off to sleep, hope I'd kick ass tomorrow hee hee

x L

promise not to promise anymore;

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.

Elie Wiesel 

‎Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Mark Twain

.

.

.

1. dancing in the bathroom to "Fuck you" by cee lo green, mtv's pretty cute

2. taking an unintentional nap after days and days of torture of resisting naps

3. feeling the warmth of your puppy next to your butt

4. feeling like you're working towards something... just something :)

5. wanting to go somewhere where nobody knows your name, wishing you weren't bound by anything anyone 

6. why do people seem to make it a job to take somebody down? now my dearest friend is somewhere wishing she weren't under the same sky, wishing she could disintegrate and be part of the stars. where did she go wrong? is it a fault to love too much? is it anyone's fault to care too much? if you're reading this, i just want to lie in bed with you all day and not say a thing. we'll just breathe because we'll just exist. we'll do nothing for now, and we'll fight. sometimes not because we want to, but because we can. and i'll do anything over and over with you again if it'd at least give comfort & familiarity..... 

hungry,

x L

a toast to the douchebags assholes & scumbags;

Run away - Kanye West

I'm nowhere near being a two-faced bitch or a meanie in general.. but I'm pretty drawn to this song. So this one's for people who have hurt me, and especially.. to people whom I've hurt. I don't know which side wins but getting hurt isn't fun whether it is intentional or not. And hurting yourself's even worse.

So run away as fast as you can,




x L

if you wanna go, just go;

x

I'm losing faith in everything.
People. Love. Systems. Time.
It's so easy not to care.

Time.
I just want to hurry along with time.
But I can't tell if I'm losing my step or keeping up with..
Time.
Time.
Ask yourself again and again.
Can time heal. Can time feel.
Time.

Don't know if time is an illusion.
Because it feels like I'm back to where I have been.
Or a new place that seems like it.

So time,
bring me somewhere else.
I'm not needed in this time.
Not needed.
Not in this time and space.

I just breathe when told to breathe.
Live when told to live.
But time decides everything else.
My death. My poverty. My devastation. My illnesses.

Do you wait with time, or do you wait for time?
Do you resist time or fall limp and succumb to time?

Time?
It's not the time.
It's never ripe.
It's never going to happen.
Time.

Time will tell.






x L

drunk textin';

Just a dream (cover)

Not the best cover, but it's one of the better ones....? I don't know. Nelly had that *swagger* feel to it, this one's more.. emotional?? I don't know why I'm stuck on this song. My swagger just comes on when im playing this song ha ha ha.

Anyway, drunk texting/tweeting/fbing's in. People and technology. And I think I can understand why people get all emotional when they're drunk. Yes, my first experience with being an emo drunk. Other than that, I hate alcohol. And yes, I take forever to puke. I spent like 2 hours in the club just sitting on the floor staring at the toilet bowl while my insides were battling. Oh it felt horrible. And I'm thankful for Mal who was just sitting beside me and hugging me the whole time. And listening to me. And talking when I needed a distraction. Now I know that I'm not the only patient being in the world. Talking about patient, now I know people can be so unpatient... especially when they're trying to be a friend for a friend but stop whining if you wanted to be a friend for someone else.. I don't know if this is rude but whatever I heard you saying was rude so don't be there if you don't want to. That said... I'm rambling. But thanks flens <3 Last last night was another reminder to not mess with the forces of alcohol hahahahahaha.

I need to pack and move into another new place today. Man, I think this is when I'm suppose to say I'm having the time of my life ha ha ha. Pictures lata.

I'm turning nomadic,

x L

and I wouldn't mind, if together we died alone;

Tonight. The weather was lovely to sit out. Maybe a cigarette would be good for some, a hot cuppa for others.. but a walk was all I needed. All I could afford. I saw a couple reading in their balcony - to each his own. A man running down the slope. I took a deep breath and held it when he ran past me. Blink twice. Gone. Empty spaces on the road didn't stop me from avoiding them. But what was supposed to be there did. So, the white elephant won again. My eyes float up to the window I walk past and gaze upon every night. Every night, the same story plays in my head. Every night, I ponder about the possibility. Possibilities..... I walk on. I hum a little, skip a little. And I just before I reach my door, I always wished that I could walk more. Walk into the night. Sit out in the park. Alone. Think.

And when the thought of thinking comes into my head.. I start to feel. Feel the anguish. Feel the pain. Feelings I have avoided for months now comes rushing back to me. No, it isn't about you. No, not you. It's just.. all these funny little things that seem to work like little paperclips to magnets. It comes in pieces but ends up in a mess. Just like us and the tangles we are always caught in. Inevitable.

Then I thought about how anyone hates to be told how they're acting. No, scratch that. We all hate to be seen through. We hate to be transparent. We hate to be read. We hate to be told in true honesty of what we really are.

And I turned the tables upon myself. Right now, I blame time. I blame time for change. We think we are all special to so many others. We think we're permanent fixtures in anyone else's life. But we forget, we are  furniture. We get rearranged. We'd like to think we're bricks and concrete. But when time introduces the concept of change, the concept of revolution, the concept of.. different. We're then arranged. We become the "old comfy sofa". You're always there, waiting to provide whatever you can when you can. You aren't number 1 anymore. And that's how people can make you feel.

Not saying that change isn't meant to be embraced but I'm hating it now. It's like the Queen Bee has been dethroned. Like whatever you used to have isn't yours anymore. And someone else is the old you to someone.

Remember the people who said "I'll be there." So where are you? Sometimes I do wonder that. Or do they mean they'll "be there" when something really bad happens? When a farewell is on it's way, or a shocking tragedy comes knocking on their door? It is plain to see why people do desperate things when they want attention. Now you know that there's a little truth in TV shows.

I think of your voices and it makes me cringe. All your words and thoughts and feelings. It feels like I have created Frankenstein and hated it. I hate it. I hate what I have given so much to end up in nothing. I think this is.. selfish? Is this a selfish act? Do you resent the people you should love? I feel twisted.

And then I think of hope. Hope that sugar-coats the words out of their mouths. Hope that is so ready to devour you. I now hate the hope that people are meant to give me. Why did you take so much from me just to see it die? Why walk away and say sorry when sorry is just another form of hope for closure? Why can't you be a man and shake my shoulders and look in my eyes and be honest? Why promise  hope when hope was never yours?

So you know, if you can't live up to it. Then don't bother in the first place. Finish what you started.

.

.

.

So I'm tired. I think I had to kill the tiny ones in me just to blah all these out. Writing therapy. Ah. Onto good soothing music... and sleep... and retail therapy,

x L

not ready to make nice;

Yeah.. So well, I think there's a lot swimming in my head but I just lose it every 5 minutes you know? It's like, "Oh yay, I'm shifting to somewhere awesomely near town"... then 5 minutes later I'm like, ".... Eh, what was I happy about?"

And... whoever said that you don't move away from people when you move on, is just... I don't know. Don't know what's a good word but that ain't true. People do actually kinda move away. It's evident in silences, in waiting in between texts, in waiting, even in pauses in between words. So well, don't know much about how weeks of silence can work out... but there's space? To breathe? Is.. space what we all really wanted in the first place? Then why bother in the first place?

Okay, I don't know where I'm going with this but I know I'm focussed on things I need to focus on. Which is pretty good. Awesome? I need to go back to where my head was 10 minutes ago. I really had something I felt I could untangle or figure out in my head. COME BACK TO ME.

Have I posted the following video? I don't know! But lately, I've been a lot more unforgiving, a lot more forthcoming, a lot more.. raw and unedited. I say things when I want to, talk to myself when I want to, hell, I feel like I can kick ass anytime.. So feisty. Maybe even empowered.

But you know, I think I'm still nice. Still politically correct. Still approachable.... Buuuut, not so much if you think I'm disposable in your life. Or that my feelings towards you wouldn't change if yours does. Or that you'd have a hold on me. Don't for a second think you can get away with guilt-tripping me for feeling humane. Aight aight, nothing personal is going wrong/ no hatred or whatever, just....

Don't ever think I'm gonna wait here for you.... forever.

.
.
.




x L

all the world can watch;

I.... Haven't been up to much except working and trying to sneak in a little studying every now and then. A little dose of drama here and there but it's pretty quiet and still. I still like it in my quiet corner(THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID) and yeah :) It's been quiet but I think we all need to be quiet at times to think and to listen and to speak.

November's gonna change my life soon. December's coming and a whole new year is bringing us to somewhere new. I can't say I'm not afraid, but I can't say I'm not excited :) Things are gonna be a hell lot different from where I am now and I will tell myself to let go and surrender.. but for now, I'm gonna sway with the trees, close my eyes and lift my hands up. I've said my piece and I'm on my way to making up my mind. I'll love when I can, I'll love as and when, love may tear us apart, love may too overbearing and hard, but I'll love when love allows me to..


Goodnight bunnies,
x L

no one's gonna love you;

Gives You Hell - Glee

x

So tonight, I am somehow forced to sit down and think of a situation between my dear friend and I. There were countless times that I shrugged off the need to think and find a solution.. or perhaps just a catalyst to get to somewhere, somewhere that could possibly bring us to an agreement. Guess the best way to describe it is : Sweeping it under the rug. Time after time.

I would very much like to pen a letter or an email, but I know my words would be vicious. They don't attack with sudden swift movements; rather, they creep under your skin and flows through your veins, it pricks at will, shock you to a standstill, your heart beats fast and then it starts eating you.

I am told that if I were to pen a letter, give it 3 days before sending it to the intended party. So, yes I will. I will give it a week if it'd give us a week of temporary contentment. 

x

I just needed to get that off my chest. You know that feeling of feeling so much in a moment and wanting to explode, just like a can of cola that has been shaken persistently? I found myself standing much longer in the shower, talking to the wall, saying all these words that have never crossed my mind to my friend. The words found themselves so perfectly; as if they were jigsaw pieces just waiting for the hand to give them a perfect fit. That said, the bathroom is one of the most inspiring places to be. Sounds... kinky but a lot of the amazing things I've thought and said had originated from standing in the shower or passing poop. hee hee, too much information right there but hey, human waste is a natural thing. Embrace it.

I am sliding back to my lazy ass persona and I just wish to lie in bed all day, or fuss about with the smaller details in my life rather than try to save the world or spread the cheer. I have a million seconds but I'd rather devote them to planning my future than salvaging the troubles people come with. I think it's time for me to be selfish and to think of myself and what I want, than try to decipher people's ever-changing minds and ficklemindedness about who and what they want to be in my life. I think I should include a Haha here to make it sound more chillax... okay it did not work.

But, *small smile*, I'm doing well thank you very much. I just don't need unnecessary negativity in my life and my mental blocking device is back at work! Hell yeah! You bitches can suck it hahahahaha. I kid I kid. But like Barney Stinson says, "When I feel sad, I stop feeling sad and feel awesome instead. True story."hee hee. I just want to worry about my day-to-day, worry if Sasha is feeling too cold or too warm, worry if my dad is getting his daily dosage of laughter and music, worry if my mother is getting a little too busy and stressed out, worry if I should be feeling woozy every night sitting in this chair.

I'd like to live in the moment and dream out aloud and eat candy and down it with cola and then go on dreaming about the near future and talk to people and dish fashion advice and think about cute guys and devise ways to sort the things swimming in my head etc etc. A pretty rad and simple plan for now, but like how The Weepies roll : I want to live a simple life..

.. For now,

x L ;)

love is old, love is new;

Because - Across The Universe Soundtrack



x

Decided to re-watch the movie to get more hippie inspiration... ha ha ha okay not really but most of the songs there are pretty awesome. So it deserves to be re-watched over and over again. Totally wanna lie on the grass or in the fields! And sing like this...!! One day, one day!

x

I gotta head to bed soon so... A couple of pictures :) Oh by the way, SASHA'S RECOVERING. I'm hoping the meds will work even after she stops taking them(meds and jabs twice a day) :( Hope it isn't a temporary solution to it.. I'm playing nurse to her hee hee. And omg, she fell down twice today under my watch. I really think I shouldn't be over protective LOLOL. Ah well. Okay whatever, shall not think about it yikes!!

 

From top to bottom : Kpop Night which was *SCREAMS!!!!!*, 3 Big Bang fangirls and yes I use my lightstick as a headband hee hee, crazy crazy fans all around us so we're pretty mild already, BIG BANG!!!, my little Sashit as of now with her little blue bandage which allows me to stick needles in heh so cute!!!, random photo of me yes but I was testing out my aqua eyeliner and it amazingly did not smudge nor fade throughout the course of the day... so gonna get a couple more of it, and to end off.. MY CUTIE SASHA SO CUTE *pinches her like mad*

Shall dream of an awesome stash of makeup to come......

x L

i am a part of your soul, boy;

"Funny how we think of romance as always involving two, when the romance of solitude can be ever so much more delicious and intense."

— Tom Robbins

x

I dislike feeling bitter about this. It feels so foreign. It feels indifferent. It feels... strange. Like we are, indeed, strangers. Like we were meant to somehow dissolve. You may say no, but.. we both know.. we both know. And then you make me wonder.. am I really naive for believing so?

A couple of months back, it was a different happy. A different kind of naive. And then fast forward to the future, you look back and question who you were back then. You think about who you were, what made you happy, what made you sad, what kept you alive.. And you may secretly yearn for it or you may secretly hate it.. You start questioning what could've been real, what could've been different, what you couldn't have possibly missed out. It's ... I.. I can't put it in words. I smile for most of the part thinking about my past, whatever it was. I cringe sometimes, I get irked sometimes, I get pissed sometimes, I feel small sometimes, I feel a lot braver, I feel cold most of the times... so on... But in order to move on from where you were stuck at, you always gotta think a step ahead.

And this step ahead? Knowing that whatever happened whether you liked it or not, whether you sucked it up or fought.. that whatever happened made you who you were. However bitter you felt, however hateful you were, however spiteful, however naive.. Turn it around. I know it's hard, but what is easy? I admit I still wear scars from the past, but who isn't? I may not listen to songs I used to anymore with the same smile on my face, I may not want to ever embrace the kind of love that someone else preaches about to me, I may not want to be happy for the same people that I used to be happy for.. But I will listen to the songs knowing how special they used to be, I will embrace respect and love even more, I will be happy for so many others alike in time to come and to just be happy for them till time takes it away..  At least. I try. I'll try. We may all be broken, but being broken gives us even more reason to.. heal?

So smile or cry, you're you and your "beginning" starts everyday. Whatever today is, it's a day. It could be another day, but for the most part of it, it could be a reason to start or feel new everyday.





That was so cliche,
x L

i look so good without you;

Jessie James - I Look So Good

This song got me bobbing my head up and down all the time. "I LOOK SO GOOD I LOOK SO GOOD WITHOUT YOU, I LOOK SO GOOD I LOOK SO GOOD WITHOUT YOU" *diva headshake* LIKE, YEAH HEAR THIS SUCKA, I LOOK SO GOOD WITHOUT YOU, I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER BYEEEEEEEEEEE (ok morning madness)

x

x

Today, I brought my little doggy to the vet because of her recent weird wobbling hind legs and her tendency to fall over alot.. And I'm glad I insisted on bringing her to the vet because the vet managed to diagnosed her with some spinal cord thing. Cut the long story short, the cushion between the vertebrae of her spinal cord is pressing on a nerve, causing her hind legs to be wobbly and unsteady. So we're hoping the conservative method of treatment works on her cos it does for 70% of dogs who have been diagnosed with the same condition..

Not to mention, it felt like Grey's Anatomy when the vet was talking to me, cos he was throwing out all these scientific terms and the only words flashing in my head was, "GREY'S ANATOMY! GREY'S ANATOMY!" and I was all like, whoa absorb his smartness absorb it enjoy the moment, hahahahaha mad. He was doing it exactly like how they do in GA, throwing out all the medical blahblahblah and the explaining it in layman terms.. heh so smart.

Er back to my dog.. Yeah, my dad has been massaging her back lovingly and she just got a jab today which helped reduce the pain!! Poor thing, I just want to hug her to sleep sighhhhhh.

Today is dog woe day. Pray for my little puppy!!! :3





x L

shame, it was just a dream;

Paramore - All I Wanted Was You




x

I don't believe that girls and guys can't have an awesome platonic bestfriend kind of relationship. I really don't. And I'm gonna have to fight this over and over again and fault this over and over again... Just. Can't. Go. Back. To. Back. Then. and it sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. 

You know what's funny? Sometimes I think of all the "Cheers to you" that I did, all the horrible things I said and felt there and then.. and sometimes I wish I could run along the rivers and parks and scream all of it out. You know, just need a reason to be sad, angry, bitter.. haha. I don't remember the things I've said and did, but this quote that I read made it all feel right: "You don't remember the things that someone said or did, but you remember how it made you feel."

And then I go back to thinking about food.

x L

it's nice to meet you sir, I best be on my way out;

Ignorance - Paramore



x

I have been feeling as if my eyes are about to go inwards any moment and it's scaring me. I don't want to feel like this forever... Or are my eyes just really tired? I think I need to be away from the computer and Iphone and stuff... Feel so cross-eyed :(

That said....

Good drinks, comfy seats, melt-in-your-mouth cakes are one of the greatest accompaniment with all kinds of talks.. The sad, the quiet, the awkward, the good, the batshit crazy etc. And that's just what I want to do. Plop yourself into a plushy sofa, sip the coffee and just talk about anything and everything... or keep the silence going and words hanging in the air. Works either way :) 

x

Today on the bus ride home, anger suddenly overtook me and watered my eyes. I don't know, is this the work of PMS? I need more angry songs about the world.. and people. And then I think I really should let things go. Like, forget it. Just move on. Just.. Just live your life. We all seem happy where we are. The distance right would ease the distance in the future. It's hard to resist the urge of saying, "Have a nice life" and walk off forever.. or try to stay away forever. 

But then, I really don't know. Really don't know how to feel so I'm just gonna hold it off for awhile and sleep on it till something pops in my head again.. Is time on our side, really?

x L