r 3 h a b;

I got my ends pink ;)

Am gonna start a whole new blog again..

I know right. AGAIN?

Can't wait for exams to be out.

I need to blog and be all nonsensical again...

Watch this space people! (well in a month's time so ya know)

I've got fuckloads of photos and shitloads to talk and write about

;) x L

the paper kites;

That's the thing about discovering somebody else and yourself.. You start getting attached emotionally. And it scares you. But you do it anyway because you're a sadist... or rather.. it's normalised. That said, it was a really good talk dear (new) friend. I know that somehow I needed a heart-to-heart talk, that talking could bring me to some kind of an ease. And I'm left feeling closer to something, maybe attained a new level of comfort or achieving what I've always wanted for so long but did not bothered to. Or maybe I found out that I was right that there could always be something more... But along with that, it's shades of grey that probably scares us all. I don't know what I'm driving at.. but I know that it's a little sad that I don't have a "person" that Cristina and Meredith has. I'll get it soon.

x L

we're men of snow;

So... love. I remembered writing an entry about love in the past, but I felt it was too.. vulnerable. Too close to the heart to let anyone read it. To give someone, anyone, a chance to know the dark twisty corners of my mind. I haven't visited this place in ages, it's too.. How am I suppose to feel? 

Lately, Love has been in our minds. We're constantly wondering the rights and wrongs, what did we not do or what did we do? What should we do? The why and what ifs and hows.... We don't know. Will we ever know? We think we know the feeling.. how it should be, what it should be.. But when we're faced with it, we just lose it. We ask ourselves, "Where is the supposed intensity? Where is the instant chemistry? Where is the supposed awkwardness that could be a trigger of something explosive?" Just 3 girls and infinite amount of questions......... Answers are floating in the space above our heads just like stars in the sky. We can locate them but we can't pluck them and keep it in a bottle. We can't. Why? We just can't. And there we go again and again. The water flows, the sun shines, we breathe, we kiss and tell.. We think we do every now and then but we still find ourselves slipping and grasping about in the dark. We're blindedfolded all the way through it and we still do it. We still put our hearts out despite it all... Despite it all. 

They say it's the journey that matters, not the end. So I tell myself every time I experience a new feeling or emotion - Savour it. Have I said this before? In the lowest, darkest of cloudy hazy thoughts, I tell myself to savour this moment. Up in the rainbows and sun shining through my every atom, I tell myself to savour this moment. I keep them somewhere in me. I tuck them in different parts of me - behind my eyes, beneath my hairs, under fleeting shadows that quietly traces the outline of my body parts.... All because I know that someday, somewhere, there would be a justification of my repeated devastation and ecstasy. That a moment would arrive when I knew it all meant something...

We all think it could be love. Somewhere under that nonchalant smile, that bitchy flick of the hand, that irritated shrug... We could be thinking it might be love. I would say yes, it is love. But love doesn't have to be between two people.. It could be between you and me, the quiet love in reading, the hazardous love for nature.. Anything. It's an escalation of it all, isn't it? I'd love to indulge in that insanity one day. See? Love. 

Today, I told my friend that I could not love somebody for everything they are and for everything they're not. I could not see how I could love a person - flaws and all. The bumps of their face, their crooked nose, their fits of anger, their hurtful sarcasm... How does one love another despite it all? What is the magical string that binds it all? How do you wake up to somebody with a gazillion zits and call them beautiful? How do you love somebody who stomped all over your heart and then demand for your forgiveness with a simple sorry? How do you think and breathe for someone else who hasn't been there for your entire life? How? How does one love despite it all?

Maybe it is just me... Maybe I can't bring myself to love another because there are so many reasons not to. Maybe I am finding reason after reason to not like about somebody. Maybe I don't see beauty in the ugliest of things. Maybe.... maybe I don't know how to love. But most of all... I think I can't see how anyone can love me. I don't see how anyone can love me for me - my fleeting moments of detachment, my unpredictable mood swings and gypsy tendencies, my uncouth habits, my unperfect face, my unsatisfaction, my absurd behaviour, for my loud and asthmatic laughter, my perpetual dislike for any display of my own vulnerability, my "jack of all trades, master of none" skills, my undecided thoughts and feelings, my.... my... me. My head and heart can't settle in a place, can anyone take that? My brutal honesty followed by my softening.. can anyone take that? My silences and strange twisted thoughts.. can anyone take that? Is it not love and but instead some sort of insanity that could perhaps have hypnotized one into believing one is in love? Is it then just not meant to be for me? Questions... I have so many questions.. it just blows away with the wind because questions are just like leaves. They die and they born again. It looks new but it is all the same.. Again and again, the wind blows and trees grow old and the leaves just go and go and go..

Or maybe it is because I know that every now and then, someone would walk out of my life after seeing the ugliest of me... I don't know. So tell me how? I'll sleep on it tonight and perhaps never know the answer... but I'll find comfort in asking. At least, I asked. But soon, I'll tire of guessing... 

x L

fact of the day;

I honestly don't believe your happiness depends on someone else. 

There's a difference between being happy on your own and being happy with someone.

It's a fine fine line between loneliness and desperation.

x L

i'm somewhere you're somewhere;

x

Soooooooooo, I know. It's been ages hasn't it? Wellllllll it has been weird ever since January arrived. Like there's a ticking timebomb somewhere. And as cliche as it sounds, I... am just living as much as I can in every single moment. Kinda sucks to know that I'll be leaving next friday.. I mean, it doesn't even seem like it's real! The ticket has been bought, and everything else (almost) arranged.. Feel as if I'm travelling into another dimension. But I think it'll kick in soon. But I kinda don't want soon to come.

Sigh. Don't wanna think about farewell or anything. I've not yet reached the uberly emo stage.. but you know, suddenly all my old friends are looking me up.. or I'm talking to people that I've had brief encounters in the past. Makes you think. Sometimes things really do happen for a reason. Sometimes, just sometimes it feels pre-destined. I'm not one to talk about destiny, sometimes I don't know what to believe in. 

But hey, doesn't mean I'm not happy where I am :) Just wish time would stop ... as of right now :)

One thing I really wish to bring over would be my dog. 

x L

fool's gold shining;

 

1. there's good lighting in my parents' room.. but bad when the sun rises and the sun floods your vision like BAM! when you open your waxed eyes

2. i have decided to make peace with everything & everyone and i am nice and indifferent all over... but i can't help but feel a tinge of.. hmm, feel as if I am STILL being talked down to, feels so condescending

3. then i go straight to my "OHHHMMMMMM" mode and am yet once again reminded that i am starting everything blank and that i should ignore the pettiest of things. if you don't like what i say then too fucking bad, *does a diva headshake and snaps fingers*

4. ok remind self: let it go. let it go. let it go.

5. :D at peace. my songs rock at making me being at peace

6.  another reminder: to speak whatever is on my mind

7. EH IT'S A NEW YEAR AND I HAVE THE NEW YEAR FEVER... literally. yeehaw!

8. i couldn't fall asleep last night cos something was flashing in my head.. "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE" aka which part of my mad mind decided to leave everything i love behind and fly over to melbourne. hahahaahahah i must be mad. i think i am mad. okay but it's normal to be paranoid.

9. yes if nobody knows, or if everyone knows already, i am heading over to melbourne to study this feb

10. sometimes i think this decision isn't that bad, sometimes i think it will be cool but most of all, i think it's pretty scary and _______________________

11. and then i walk around the room looking at my parents faces at ease while they're in dreamland, and poke my little dog and wonder how i can live without them?

12. that said, i haven't felt so close to my family in such a long time :) everything's swell so i hope nobody spoils it hahahaah

13. i'm sick so i gotta sleep, what am i doing up at 310 anyway?

x L

DEAR ME,

I should probably be happy where I am right now right? I'm bumming around, finding things to do, occupying myself brainlessly.. Feeding the brain whenever it feels like it, taking a swim, soaking up the sun(okay not really, but it just fits in here), taking walks with my dog and making friends ranging from 7 to 80 years old, getting to know new people every now and then, being in constant contact with all my friends because i have all the time in the world to drop by in their lives every now and then to say hello how are you?, posting up photos of hilarious incidents or awesome times hanging out with them, or simply just feeling the angst of road rage(n00b here please)..

I have been stuck in a phase where I was wondering, "There must be more to life than this". But perhaps I have been stuck feeling sorry for myself in the grey areas.. what a pity. But now as I see time slowly fading and things around me changing, I finally set it straight and thought, " Hey I get this time to be a better person.. yeah?"

I guess as much as I like to socialize and be my nutsy loony self, I have been holding things in and building up walls. I wouldn't think about regrets - what about regrets? What can we do about regrets? Sit here, grieve over it for a day.. and then? As cliche as it sounds, it's what we have now right? And like this quote I read the other day, "The happiest people aren't perfect, they are just contented with what they have".. or er, phrased in a much cooler way. But hey y'all, look at yourself okay? Nobody's life is picture perfect, nobody's life will ever be picture perfect. There's always a "Oh man.. I wish I..." in everybody, and wait, I deviated.

Well, my point is. I just realized I have time and a chance to better myself. Who ever gets time to themselves anymore right? I get to be a better friend(one of my resolutions), learn to open my heart(also another resolution.. a very nagging one cos of the people around me, and a challenge that my mum has set for me since she suggested to my face that she thinks nobody wants me), learn to be much more independent and hey.. most importantly, to love right? :)

It's hard to see things with a clouded vision, and you know, it's just like your specs constantly fogging up when you step out of an air-conditioned placed. Sure, you can wipe it off again and again, but it takes time. Takes time to for it to settle and adjust, takes your patience to wait for it to settle. I can be very guarded, and very defensive, and stubborn in my own ways. But I guess, to learn to love is hard. Not just a boy, but just others. It's so easy to love yourself(err ok for me), and so easy to guard your heart. But to love another, is to allow someone else to.. hurt you? *gulps*

Who am I to preach about love.. but I guess in many certain aspects, to love everybody and to love and appreciate everything around us is pretty awesome enough. I wouldn't say I'm heartless or anything like that, in fact, I think I'm actually a person filled with way too much love for everything. Come on, where would I get my optimism from right. It's like the sun shining from my mouth everyday okay okay okay. Point taken. But you know, people.. People can be hard to love. I can love the world, love the nature, love the animals, love the things I do.. but People.. that's giving them a knife to stab me with really.

So I guess, one of the awesome resolutions for the next year would be to love selflessly? :)

I have so far concluded that I have been a much better friend this year(high five biatches), learnt so much more about independency and responsibility(shoots daggers at sasha), learnt to be loved, learnt to express myself better, learnt that I can't always be sunshine for everyone all the time, learnt to push my defense down a little, learnt to be a little more easygoing with people(?)... hmmm, okay this is neverending, but mostly, I've learnt a lot from just one person and one person is too awesome for me to handle. HAHAHAH EGO BOOSTING HERE AND RUINING OF THE MOOD. k tom seah you changed my life and you ought to have a place here. That's all :)

And okay, that is all for my thoughts tonight.. I'm shifting out of Pasir Ris today. Goodbye Pasir Ris. You were awesome and I loved taking walks and staring out to the sky while humming or laughing at my dog. And I love your chillaxness and cool breeze.. *hearts*

Hello?

Hi, this feels weird. Why does this feel weird? Okay, so I'm just gonna cut the crap about me being a virgin blogspot user and just onto my first post. It's not really a first post virtually, but it has been a first post in a long time. Me plonking my ass down and actually typing how I feel. I actually miss it. You know, the whole "I am whining and y'all should listen i dont give a shit" thing. And then people are suppose to go "oh hell yeah" or "bitch go die" okay I'm just kidding.


/
I know people don't stop to read or go word by word any longer, and it's pretty sad huh? People are so into rushing throughout their lives to reach the end goal, they don't savour the bittersweet taste of the whole process. It makes me wonder if that's what we're here for. To rush throughout our lives trying to reach to some sort of conclusion that makes us "rich" and "successful" which probably would equate us to thinking we're "happy" or something like that. We do the occasional standing on the street, wondering if running instead of walking would make any difference, wondering if the sacrifices we make at home is worth anything at work, wondering if the small amount of time we take out to show affection to others would make them smile. You lie on your pillow, feeling like you can't go on and you need answers but you wake up the next morning and everything you felt has been sucked away by the ticking of your clock. You go back to "5 more mins 5 more mins!", gulping down coffee, running for the bus, hurriedly scribbling... thinking how much you could do with more time for this and that.


But I've come to realise, we'll never ever have enough time. No matter how much we plan for the "perfect" amount of time for anything,there's never gonna be enough time to better something, to change, to relax, for everything. What we need to know is that, this is now. The change we're gonna make has to happen now.


I admit, I still do think, oh when I'm done with this project and graduate, I'm gonna be a better me. I'm gonna shed my old skin and grow into new ones. I'm gonna be someone else, prettier, smarter, healthier, skinnier, trendier, wittier etc. It's like dreaming it up is already half the battle won. But here I am, standing here(ok, sitting, rather), still the same old me with just a lot more time on hand.


So this is gonna lead to somewhere. I decided to stop smiling and dreaming up of better days and time, and I'm gonna make it happen. I've had so much plans for myself, and it needs to be done. I need to be better, and I realise I need to change for the better. So I'm glad the realisation in over, but the working on it part is gonna be tough. So my trusty planner's on hand.. oh wait, it's in the bathroom :\ nevermind, i can make a list now.


But what my point is, is for you to just start now. Don't wait till your birthday is over, or your workload to be lesser, or your whatever to be over, just start now. Baby steps at a time. Your tomorrow's never gonna come if you don't headstart today. Or something like that. Hmm.

/
So you must wonder, what do I want to be better at? Why do I want to change? Will I be me anymore if I change? But think about it, we're constantly changing. There's no one other than you even if you're gonna change. You can do a total 360 degrees change and still call yourself you right? Who the hell gives you a stamp to say "YOU'RE NOT YOU, GTFO". But what I'm really trying to say here is, we'll never ever be the same. We'll never ever be our old selves or "ourselves" in 10 years time. So don't be upset if people tell you, you've changed. Take it and go. No, take it and go, and think about it. Can I better this change? Do I like this change? Or have I just matured from before and nobody wants to accept it? 


I'm not the same girl I was 5 years ago, I'm not that easy to push around and I have more barriers up than before, but that doesn't mean I'm not me. It's me awakening to some sort of realization buried deep down. I don't view it as bad change and nobody thinks its a problem, in fact, it has given quite an awesome time because I'm much more certain of so many things. I'm slowly liking the idea of a good change, and yeah, be comfortable with your change. That is all.


/
So I decided, I need a list. My 2010 has just begun, and I need a list. I just love lists. If I could, I would do a list of everything. Okay, that sounded obsessive but :\ you get the gist. Lists gives me order in my very messy err handling of matters.


1. Must become a better friend. In this sense, I shall be much more physical about it. LOL okay I don't mean letting them touch me to fulfill their craving kind of physical,but more like, showing it through IDK, handmade things or small little actions and stuff. I've always been on the receiving end and the only thing I give are my emotions(in which they'd better know or else I'm there to strangle them) which obviously are good and better than anything, but people are always touched by the simplest of things. Reassurance, that is. Oh yes, and I don't like buying things for people if you must know, God knows how bad I am at doing things like that. Need to change that, I prefer dreaming up of the perfect surprises and gifts rather than the actual doing of it... boring!


2. Read. I love reading. But this passion somehow died... 3 years ago? School can really suck away your life + priorities but hey, who's making excuses right? Anyway, me is gonna head to the library first thing in the morning. I must read at least 3 books a month. And oh, reflect on it. Unless it is a Chick Flick... which teaches nothing other than happiness, true love, miracles, money and clothes are awesome but don't get too addicted, your prince charming will come and remember, he's always the one who has always been there for you/random popping up in your life is awkward situations/your bestfriend/your gardener etc. So no point reflecting on it. READ THE NEWSPAPER DAMMIT.


3. Write any chance I get. I used to own tons of diaries and hoped to build up a collection one day so I could read it back. I shall start this year, which means getting a pretty diary. BY THIS WEEK. And oh, I should start writing short stories, or songs or something. I need to start writing Serious.


4. Get a boyfriend. LOL. Seriously, it's high time I got myself a man HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA sorry it's just hilarious. My friends, now you know, you need to introduce to me a cute, smart guy k. xie xie kahmsahamnida thanks arigato errr thanks thanks thanks


5. Be organized/neat. This means I need to constantly pack my room, and get holders or whatever, anything to get things organized. Packing begins this week.


6. Practice my damn piano, and retake my Grade 8 theory. And maybe start piano classes again??? Must get a diploma in my life, why is this taking forever when I'm so close to it :|


7. Be more pro-active at home, not in terms of family matters, but more of house hold matters. This means I will be giving people tummy runs hahahahaha kidding, but I do want to learn how to cook :\ okay, someday. It's too early for now. So I'll just stick to walking my dog, washing the dishes, cleaning the windows etc.


8. Exercise. Okay, so this is kinda impossible. I'm not exactly a healthy freak, and I'm not exactly a exercise freak.  I'm a total bum. With a capital B U M. BUM. I seriously need to start my swimming regime(or rather, ATTEMPTING swimming regime), or work out that step machine at home, or join Amore, or dance classes or something. If I'm not starting an exercise regime, my friends, permission is given for you to knock on my door and drag me to go run(NO LAST RESORT PLEASE).. okay i feel sick just looking at the word run.


9. Be much more responsible & decisive. I realized I haven't been to strict on myself when it comes to certain matters like spending and stuff, so I really need to be much more decisive and responsible this year. I need to be sure and clear instead of just pushing my way around things. FOCUSED OKAY. FOCUSED. A lot of decisions will be made this year, and I shouldn't even allow room for "maybes" and "what-ifs". It should instead be, "go ahead" or "work harder on it" or "stop if it doesn''t work out". *nods head* be firm people, be firm.


10. MAKE EVERYTHING WORK. Work it work it work it work it. Nothing will happen if nothing is put in action. A dreamer will forever dream and this dreamer needs to start living her dream :)


/
There is so much more but I'm mentally exhausted. Not to mention, my sister thinks I'm typing way too loudly. Be back with picture updates ;) Can't wait to lag your computers ha ha ha, way to go, evil me.

 

Here is sasha, to congratulate you for bothering to scroll down here or to read it. Or something.