Can you hear me?

Dreams are so much taller,
and life is so much smaller
The moon is as twice as lonely
and the stars are half as bright

Just close your eyes and let it take you, young one.








x L

frigid little bitch;

TOO. MUCH. WORK. SO MANY. BLOODY. ESSAYS. I have one due in 3 days and another due in 6 days. So fucking uncool. Other than that, it pretty much rocks because I've been stuck in my hole.. so there is nothing much really. I really wanna get out and meet people and join some human/woman rights club and volunteer. Yeah, and to read a lot more. And yes, I pretty much like what I'm doing here :) I JUST WANT TO BE MORE INVOLVED IN OTHER THINGS THAN WHAT I AM IN RIGHT NOW. Pfft. Uni's sucking my soul.................

This was the last time that I kinda partied and got kinda high on Champagne (at the ball. Which was alright. Except my heart broke a little and my feet got bruised badly and I saw 2 girls humping each other in a very weird manner on the dancefloor and the DJ who was wasted told us to call him The Black Dude) So, I'm so looking forward to the next one... CAFE NIGHT. Next week bitches, BRING. IT. ON.

And the next few days after the ball, I was in a foul mood. And I kicked ass in the gym when I was so pissed. Then I found out that the gym's awesome for some anger management. I was blasting music and yelling my heart out and I kicked and punched the punching bag. hahaahaha ok i need to go BYE




x L

i'm somewhere you're somewhere;

x

Soooooooooo, I know. It's been ages hasn't it? Wellllllll it has been weird ever since January arrived. Like there's a ticking timebomb somewhere. And as cliche as it sounds, I... am just living as much as I can in every single moment. Kinda sucks to know that I'll be leaving next friday.. I mean, it doesn't even seem like it's real! The ticket has been bought, and everything else (almost) arranged.. Feel as if I'm travelling into another dimension. But I think it'll kick in soon. But I kinda don't want soon to come.

Sigh. Don't wanna think about farewell or anything. I've not yet reached the uberly emo stage.. but you know, suddenly all my old friends are looking me up.. or I'm talking to people that I've had brief encounters in the past. Makes you think. Sometimes things really do happen for a reason. Sometimes, just sometimes it feels pre-destined. I'm not one to talk about destiny, sometimes I don't know what to believe in. 

But hey, doesn't mean I'm not happy where I am :) Just wish time would stop ... as of right now :)

One thing I really wish to bring over would be my dog. 

x L

i'm a new soul in a new year;

(Yes it's korean but the general feel of the song is there okay! Click :))




x

So...... I just had an overwhelming feeling of.. Hmm. I feel at peace. At peace with the coming of the end of the year(yay!), at peace with where I am right now, at peace with a hell lot of things that I could be angry and sad about. 

You know fengshui and all that stuff? I was living temporarily at a place that was gonna be torn down and the fengshui was horrible(at least it felt like it). Lots of things happened, my dad had a bad fall the moment we shifted in and things were looking bleak from then on, and there was basically so much angst and negative really negative forces. I was definitely at the wrong place and wrong time.. Man that place was suffocating just thinking about it. I don't know if I could put the blame on it but maybe the transition of things in my life and the bad stuff that was happening in mine/everybody's life felt a little like the breath of hell. Or to be near a Demantor. Or maybe a little of the Dementor's kiss. 

Whatever it is, I'm glad I got out of there and the fact that I got a lot out on my own... but where I am staying at right now feels pretty awesome. Fresh air on the 15th floor, so near town, lots of food all around, this place feels homely. Not to mention, a lot of things are looking up :) Glad the worse part of my year was over but it sucked that it had to be near the end of the year... but I never really felt like 2010 was my year anyway.

Mmmm. I guess this year I allowed myself to let loose a little, let my heart roam a lot more than I would've allowed it to, lost my senses every now and then, lost sight of the goals I wanted to achieve, lost myself every now and then trying to find a way.. to somewhere, dealt with issues and people that hit home all the time, learnt a lot about people, damn I went too deep into my head and heart and got lost at every turn and corner, got to live out stories that didn't used to be mine, dealt with a sick Sasha  and lost two of the dogs that I grew up with but they led a long life so doggy heaven should be a pretty place for them, had a few "firsts" but WHERE IS MY MAN hahahahahahahah kidding, gave chances to people and opportunities that I would've never thought of but screw being uptight sometimes, got sucked into the whole beauty~ makeup~ scam but it's okay I want to indulge in it hee hee, talking about superficiality my face got a lot better!!!!!!! not taking it for granted though so I've been following certain regimes religiously, did I mention I picked up the guitar and got one!?!?!? sounds like an impulse buy but I still suck at it.... but I'm visioning that some cute guitarist will pick me up by volunteering free lessons HAHAHAHA k its just a fantasy, dealing with a lot more issues of the heart no matter who it is, being immature and childish and saying stupid things and doing stupid things, ohmygod there's so much more and I'm slowly losing it.... but of course... still learning a hell lot and I'm sure I'm gonna kick ass in life one day.

After a good talk with my sister about life/people/supernatural experiences, I feel that I have a lot to be thankful for. My life.. has been cushy so far and a lot of people who are living waaaay cushier lives really should feel so much more thankful but ok that's them, not me. So 2011 is a new adventure as cliche and lame as it sounds but I'M A NEW SOUL I CAME TO THIS STRANGE WORLD~~ And yeah! Focus on the positivity. 

I sometimes do wish I could've said or done things a lot better, sometimes I wish I could take sweet revenge *flicks hair*, but all in all, tonight feels as if it's time to forgive and to be fragile with people and to bury everything and just start it all on a new clean slate. It's gonna hurt from time to time, but it's so much better when you're free from all the unnecessary burden/hatred when moving on's the best. I do feel sad for the friends lost and for the friends I have to begrudgingly let go off, and it's hard to be at peace with but you know, what can anyone say? If any of the party isn't too keen, what can you do right?

That quote that says to not regret what you did or had and to keep in mind that that was what you wanted? Makes total sense and it's sad/heart wrenching but hey, you got what you wanted even though it was for a while isn't it? So to the friends that I've loved and lost over the past year, cheers to you and I wish you happiness, the ability to be contented (everyone needs a little of this right) and my little bottle of sunshine if you do ever need it(cos I'm all about being sunshiney happy and having the sun shining from my mouth). And to the people I still love? I will still love you even if it's gonna make me stand in the middle of nowhere crying or if you got me fuming mad for days and days. I can be hella impossible but I'm shameless so I'm gonna say this, I'm pretty awesome in the long run HAHAHAHAHA :) (nope not gonna take that back and i don't care if you think otherwise K EAT THAT BITCHES *gets sasha to claw you*)

There's so much to be angry about you know? I can get pissed at people who dances in and out of my life whenever they want to, people who discounts my feelings, people who take me for granted, people who climbs over my head, people who thinks they have the upperhand at everything, people who tries to destroy others, people forcing immaturity/their mindset on others etc. But man, let it go already right? I wouldn't deny that certain feelings may surface from time to time but fuck it man, I don't like working with tensed up situations or people who still harbours bad feelings towards you or anything like that. So, I'm cool if you're cool aight? *does some hand gestures and bounces*

So well, I'm going into 2011 in peace. I have a lot to say to all that I love, I might say it or I might not, but just know, when I'm in peace, I want everything to be alright again :) *free hugs for y'all* (but erm, can you guys be more initiative. come tell me you love me and i'll do a song and dance for you if it makes you happy HAHAHA. entertaining is my specialisation ok this is getting from bad to worse i want my fudgey cupcake from gastromaniaaaaaaaa) So take it or leave it :)








goodbye 2010
x L

all the lovers;

I’ve been rereading your story. I think it’s about me in a way that might not be flattering, but that’s okay. We dream and dream of being seen as we really are and then finally someone looks at us and sees us truly and we fail to measure up. Anyway: story received, story included. You looked at me long enough to see something mysterioso under all the gruff and bluster. Thanks. Sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them.

Richard Siken

x

I haven't had a lot of time to myself lately but it feels good somehow. Today, I bought christmas presents... haven't done that for.. years?! It feels slightly strange, a little nice but mostly annoying because I am really bad at getting things for people. I was never the kind who'd pop up with random gifts or little surprises for anyone at all. So.. I hope people would see that it takes a hell lot of effort on my part to give something even if its a tiny little thing.. but you were on my mind somehow :) I don't do the whole "I saw this and grabbed it within 5 seconds" thing, but I'm a "I saw this and I wonder if you liked it and I stood around for a good 5 minutes to think if you'd like it" thing hahahahaha not to mention, I have a little habit of ignoring the price when it comes to buying gifts so erm, I had to curb that too. Like a friend said, I gotta think about me me me me me me something that shouts me me me me me.

Ah, I had so much to say.. but my mind's a blank right now so I'll just get back to presents wrapping.. Know what's the one thing I like receiving from people? LETTERS. hee hee. I have a thing for letters... no it's not a fetish. But it feels nice to be thought about, to be loved and to just know that someone cares. Not to mention, it'd be nice to receive presents but I shall push that thought aside. Tis' season is about giving and I'm gonna be as giving as I can..... while stocks last. hahahahah nonsense

Come to think of it, 2010 went by really fast hasn't it? It's always a strange feeling. You feel different from the person you were a few months back. Always. I can't believe I have graduated from school and haven't stepped in there eversince despite devoting my entire life to it back in the beginning of the year. I used to hang out so much with the fuckyeah people, our neverending stayovers and alcoholic episodes etc. & TIOMAN.. and here we are, trying to reconnect in every way possible to have an awesome fuckyeah party again(?) and it's a little nostalgic haha.. Ah, there's so much. Friends loved and lost.. If I were to read back my resolutions/goals for this year.. I'd probably have achieved close to nothing? Hahaha, which is another reminder for me to pin up some goal thing on my wall/mirror.

But this year, this year. I didn't feel like I connected with this year. I don't feel as if I'm a part of this year... I look at dates and I don't feel a thing. It's... hard to explain how I feel but I think this is where people say, "2010 isn't my year." It's weird in a way. But I think I have grown a lot too.. For the better and for the worse. I have never really felt the whole "I am trying to find my place and identity" but this year, it feels a little like that. I'm not searching for a Persona or someone I could be or trying to fit in.. but I feel like a rubberband. Pulled in all sorts of directions and trying to find steady ground. You question a lot about faith, life, love and most of all, yourself. Sometimes you wonder if you became the shadow of yourself or simply just looking deeper into yourself. 

I think this is part of "growing pains". The year you turn 20 doesn't seem like a pleasant year somehow.. Well, that's food for thought.

In case you miss me when I'm silent..... I'm still here

x L

if you wanna go, just go;

x

I'm losing faith in everything.
People. Love. Systems. Time.
It's so easy not to care.

Time.
I just want to hurry along with time.
But I can't tell if I'm losing my step or keeping up with..
Time.
Time.
Ask yourself again and again.
Can time heal. Can time feel.
Time.

Don't know if time is an illusion.
Because it feels like I'm back to where I have been.
Or a new place that seems like it.

So time,
bring me somewhere else.
I'm not needed in this time.
Not needed.
Not in this time and space.

I just breathe when told to breathe.
Live when told to live.
But time decides everything else.
My death. My poverty. My devastation. My illnesses.

Do you wait with time, or do you wait for time?
Do you resist time or fall limp and succumb to time?

Time?
It's not the time.
It's never ripe.
It's never going to happen.
Time.

Time will tell.






x L

there's a way... someday, someday;

What do you say to a man who has lived a whole life before you when he tells you of his sleepless nights filled with thoughts of his son who's six feet under? What do you say to a man who tells you he isn't really happy, no, he is not happy at all when all you've heard and seen were his attempts of being at peace with his own life?

What do you say? What can you say?









I kept quiet.
x L

run run run from the devil in disguise;

TONIGHT. I AM TIRED OF TRYING TO BE THERE FOR PEOPLE. I AM TIRED OF FEELING RESENTMENT, FEELING ALONE, FEELING UNLOVED. OK I LOST A BESTFRIEND AND I HAVE TO SAY I AM SAD THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO TALK TO ME AND I HATE YOU FOR THAT. I HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE? I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS ALONE FROM DAY 1 AND YOU HAVENT EVEN BOTHERED TO SAY A LITTLE HI OR ACT INDIFFERENT. THANKS FRIEND. YOU REALLY WERE THE BEST. BESTFRIEND RIGHT. HAHAHAHAH OK I THINK THAT WAS FUNNY. AND AND I HAVE SO MUCH RESENTMENT SUDDENLY LOLOLOL SEE NOW IM TURNING MAD. IM MAD AND FUMING MAD. IM 2 FACES OF MAD. IM LAUGHING CRYING ANGRY MAD.

AND PEOPLE ARE THE BEST. IS THIS WHY PEOPLE WANT TO RUN AWAY? I HATE Y'ALL  LOLOLOL





x L

and I wouldn't mind, if together we died alone;

Tonight. The weather was lovely to sit out. Maybe a cigarette would be good for some, a hot cuppa for others.. but a walk was all I needed. All I could afford. I saw a couple reading in their balcony - to each his own. A man running down the slope. I took a deep breath and held it when he ran past me. Blink twice. Gone. Empty spaces on the road didn't stop me from avoiding them. But what was supposed to be there did. So, the white elephant won again. My eyes float up to the window I walk past and gaze upon every night. Every night, the same story plays in my head. Every night, I ponder about the possibility. Possibilities..... I walk on. I hum a little, skip a little. And I just before I reach my door, I always wished that I could walk more. Walk into the night. Sit out in the park. Alone. Think.

And when the thought of thinking comes into my head.. I start to feel. Feel the anguish. Feel the pain. Feelings I have avoided for months now comes rushing back to me. No, it isn't about you. No, not you. It's just.. all these funny little things that seem to work like little paperclips to magnets. It comes in pieces but ends up in a mess. Just like us and the tangles we are always caught in. Inevitable.

Then I thought about how anyone hates to be told how they're acting. No, scratch that. We all hate to be seen through. We hate to be transparent. We hate to be read. We hate to be told in true honesty of what we really are.

And I turned the tables upon myself. Right now, I blame time. I blame time for change. We think we are all special to so many others. We think we're permanent fixtures in anyone else's life. But we forget, we are  furniture. We get rearranged. We'd like to think we're bricks and concrete. But when time introduces the concept of change, the concept of revolution, the concept of.. different. We're then arranged. We become the "old comfy sofa". You're always there, waiting to provide whatever you can when you can. You aren't number 1 anymore. And that's how people can make you feel.

Not saying that change isn't meant to be embraced but I'm hating it now. It's like the Queen Bee has been dethroned. Like whatever you used to have isn't yours anymore. And someone else is the old you to someone.

Remember the people who said "I'll be there." So where are you? Sometimes I do wonder that. Or do they mean they'll "be there" when something really bad happens? When a farewell is on it's way, or a shocking tragedy comes knocking on their door? It is plain to see why people do desperate things when they want attention. Now you know that there's a little truth in TV shows.

I think of your voices and it makes me cringe. All your words and thoughts and feelings. It feels like I have created Frankenstein and hated it. I hate it. I hate what I have given so much to end up in nothing. I think this is.. selfish? Is this a selfish act? Do you resent the people you should love? I feel twisted.

And then I think of hope. Hope that sugar-coats the words out of their mouths. Hope that is so ready to devour you. I now hate the hope that people are meant to give me. Why did you take so much from me just to see it die? Why walk away and say sorry when sorry is just another form of hope for closure? Why can't you be a man and shake my shoulders and look in my eyes and be honest? Why promise  hope when hope was never yours?

So you know, if you can't live up to it. Then don't bother in the first place. Finish what you started.

.

.

.

So I'm tired. I think I had to kill the tiny ones in me just to blah all these out. Writing therapy. Ah. Onto good soothing music... and sleep... and retail therapy,

x L

not ready to make nice;

Yeah.. So well, I think there's a lot swimming in my head but I just lose it every 5 minutes you know? It's like, "Oh yay, I'm shifting to somewhere awesomely near town"... then 5 minutes later I'm like, ".... Eh, what was I happy about?"

And... whoever said that you don't move away from people when you move on, is just... I don't know. Don't know what's a good word but that ain't true. People do actually kinda move away. It's evident in silences, in waiting in between texts, in waiting, even in pauses in between words. So well, don't know much about how weeks of silence can work out... but there's space? To breathe? Is.. space what we all really wanted in the first place? Then why bother in the first place?

Okay, I don't know where I'm going with this but I know I'm focussed on things I need to focus on. Which is pretty good. Awesome? I need to go back to where my head was 10 minutes ago. I really had something I felt I could untangle or figure out in my head. COME BACK TO ME.

Have I posted the following video? I don't know! But lately, I've been a lot more unforgiving, a lot more forthcoming, a lot more.. raw and unedited. I say things when I want to, talk to myself when I want to, hell, I feel like I can kick ass anytime.. So feisty. Maybe even empowered.

But you know, I think I'm still nice. Still politically correct. Still approachable.... Buuuut, not so much if you think I'm disposable in your life. Or that my feelings towards you wouldn't change if yours does. Or that you'd have a hold on me. Don't for a second think you can get away with guilt-tripping me for feeling humane. Aight aight, nothing personal is going wrong/ no hatred or whatever, just....

Don't ever think I'm gonna wait here for you.... forever.

.
.
.




x L

all the world can watch;

I.... Haven't been up to much except working and trying to sneak in a little studying every now and then. A little dose of drama here and there but it's pretty quiet and still. I still like it in my quiet corner(THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID) and yeah :) It's been quiet but I think we all need to be quiet at times to think and to listen and to speak.

November's gonna change my life soon. December's coming and a whole new year is bringing us to somewhere new. I can't say I'm not afraid, but I can't say I'm not excited :) Things are gonna be a hell lot different from where I am now and I will tell myself to let go and surrender.. but for now, I'm gonna sway with the trees, close my eyes and lift my hands up. I've said my piece and I'm on my way to making up my mind. I'll love when I can, I'll love as and when, love may tear us apart, love may too overbearing and hard, but I'll love when love allows me to..


Goodnight bunnies,
x L

i am a part of your soul, boy;

"Funny how we think of romance as always involving two, when the romance of solitude can be ever so much more delicious and intense."

— Tom Robbins

x

I dislike feeling bitter about this. It feels so foreign. It feels indifferent. It feels... strange. Like we are, indeed, strangers. Like we were meant to somehow dissolve. You may say no, but.. we both know.. we both know. And then you make me wonder.. am I really naive for believing so?

A couple of months back, it was a different happy. A different kind of naive. And then fast forward to the future, you look back and question who you were back then. You think about who you were, what made you happy, what made you sad, what kept you alive.. And you may secretly yearn for it or you may secretly hate it.. You start questioning what could've been real, what could've been different, what you couldn't have possibly missed out. It's ... I.. I can't put it in words. I smile for most of the part thinking about my past, whatever it was. I cringe sometimes, I get irked sometimes, I get pissed sometimes, I feel small sometimes, I feel a lot braver, I feel cold most of the times... so on... But in order to move on from where you were stuck at, you always gotta think a step ahead.

And this step ahead? Knowing that whatever happened whether you liked it or not, whether you sucked it up or fought.. that whatever happened made you who you were. However bitter you felt, however hateful you were, however spiteful, however naive.. Turn it around. I know it's hard, but what is easy? I admit I still wear scars from the past, but who isn't? I may not listen to songs I used to anymore with the same smile on my face, I may not want to ever embrace the kind of love that someone else preaches about to me, I may not want to be happy for the same people that I used to be happy for.. But I will listen to the songs knowing how special they used to be, I will embrace respect and love even more, I will be happy for so many others alike in time to come and to just be happy for them till time takes it away..  At least. I try. I'll try. We may all be broken, but being broken gives us even more reason to.. heal?

So smile or cry, you're you and your "beginning" starts everyday. Whatever today is, it's a day. It could be another day, but for the most part of it, it could be a reason to start or feel new everyday.





That was so cliche,
x L

i realize it was only just a dream;

Nelly - Just A Dream

So I have been annoying people by singing this song to them all the time... haha :x Things have been alright lately, I just feel like I need to start on this job thingy asap!! Need to tire myself out or just occupy my time with something productive. It's crazy how there's so much to do even though I've had so many months to work on it all...

x

Because it's gonna be the time of the month again, today was a little on the downside for me when it came to having time alone. Just sitting in the bus and staring out the window's good enough to get me into the mood. I was thinking about the people whom I used to care for or people who used to care for me.. It's just sad that we all have somehow moved on from that part of life. People whom I used to talk to everyday, people who used to drop the occasional hello how are you i miss you, people who you can just turn to at anytime of the day or night...

Then somehow time decides that life ticks away with the tickety-tock of the clock, and that change slips from a hand to another like gears working their magic in the mechanics of it. Just thinking about all the people whom I used to care about so much and how their absence in my life right now can be so insignificant - it's pretty scary isn't it? Knowing how strongly one declares his love for another in a day of the past can be so insignificant to both parties in years to come. Knowing how much pain one had a decade ago can be a passing thought to him a decade later. 

And you think - what would you be to another in a decade? Would he still tell me he still loves me very much? Would he tell me that he'd be no lesser of a man to me? Would she be there for me even at 3am in the morning still? Would my heart still beat with passion? Would memories that I've shared with another be just another photo on the wall? Would that ring that I used to wear everyday lay there in the glass cabinet and be a reminder of heartaches that has yet to arrive? Would I still love you the very same?

Or what if you still do love the very same person so much a decade later? How would you feel being just referred to as "the girl who set my heart on fire"? Or be a reminder of heartaches that lives in the remnants of the history you both shared? How would you feel knowing that the other party feels a lot lesser for you than you'd let show?

Would you seize the chance now to tell whoever how you really feel? Would you recklessly love? Would you wear your heart on your sleeve? Would you not fear rejection and disappointment and know that hey, at least you loved.. That at least you dared. That at least you feared. That most of all, you learnt.

.

But I guess most of us fear. And we handle fear a different way. Some of us take a deep breath and go with our heart, some of us work based on gut and instinct and our head. We learn only when we hurt, we learn when we realize that time makes us look a fool. What seemed to be the beginning of something turned into the horror of realization of an ending. 

What happens when you don't need to experience things when you can just learn when you're a spectator of other peoples' lives? You try to be there for people and you try to share it with them. You try to cushion their fall, you try. You just try. And then you realize your own ways of coping with change and fear. It shuttles between the good and bad of it all, and you may turn wary and cautious. You tell yourself constantly to take conscious care of your own heart just as you would with a prized possession - don't place it anywhere, don't leave it behind, don't lose it, don't lend it. 

And just when you thought you found a perfect hiding place for your heart when you don't need it... Bam. Your heart fell and bruised. Your heart got scratched and bruised. You thought you could let loose for awhile, but time tells you otherwise. You learnt lessons you thought you knew, you feel what you could've felt without the need of being involved, you possess new eyes and see things dimensionally. And you start hurting, hurting like anyone out there. Hurting for another eyeing you this whole time. Hurting so another could learn a lesson or two from you.

So you learn to not let down your defence so easily. You learn not to be attached. You learn to block out unnecessary daydreams and what-ifs. You learn not to look upon strangers with dreamy eyes. You learn to be like an onion, people having to peel layer after layer to hit home. But still you clutch on tightly to that heart no matter what. You don't know if that is the best solution to preventing a broken heart, but you work with what feels right for now...

.

.

.

And with that, today I feel like I miss people that I could've gotten a lot closer to. I miss people that could've been given second chances. I miss people that could've been a bigger part of my life. But I know I'll wake up tomorrow knowing that I'd rather look forward to more tomorrows instead of wanting to relive yesterdays.

Oh... yesterdays. I miss a lot of yesterdays, and sometimes I wonder if the same people feel the same way. Oh, I am human and I just can't seem to let go of certain yesterdays and sometimes I wish I could be impulsive. Just.. sometimes. 

Sometimes I wish I had a lot more feelings for people (like.. or maybe especially you), 

x L

i'll taste the devil's tears and drink from it's soul;

Devil's Tears - Angus & Julia Stone



x

"When we say things like, people don't change. It drives scientists crazy. Because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, it's always changing. Morphing. Merging. Growing. Dying. It's the way people that try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on leaving, despite every scientific indication that everything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change, that's up to us. It can feel like death, or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment, we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again."

Grey's Anatomy Season 7 Episode 1 

.
.
.

It feels like that isn't it? How tightly we want to hold onto something old and not want it to change. Because we can be so scared of change. Today, I realized how afraid of change I was, that I had forgotten about the change that I had always looked forward to. I was too happy, too comfortable and I wanted to live it recklessly. Abuse the comfort I knew I shouldn't have taken granted of. Then I lost it. I fell and lost it. Poof went my dreams, poof went my sanity. I lost my dreams, lost my head, lost my heart.

So today, I was reminded of what I wished I hadn't let go. And it is today that a little plan popped into my head - a little little plan that I had forgotten in the midst of all the indulgence. It is only amidst chaos that we have a clarifying moment, or a fresh breath of life. And we'll never let it go, we'll never let go of the defining moment. The part where it gets too hard and suffocating that we commit it to memory. We take it and draw it across our heart, forever there and forever scarred.

So here I am, speaking from the aftermath. That should you lose your head and heart at any part of life, remember your beginning and what you used to be, and then fall back into the now and let yourself be foolish, let your heart be broken, let your tears dry on your own. Then crawl into the light and just breathe and let it go. Step out of the skin you shed and just walk. Walk away and walk on.. Just walk on. And live life as if you were born all over again :)





x L

YOUR LOVE IS PULLING LIKE A RUBBERBAND

My forehead has never seen the light of the day unless 1. I'm swimming 2. The wind is being a bitch.... and in this case, it is none of the above.. which is hallelujah worthy. I was just bored in the middle of the night and found it amusing. I have always thought of my forehead to be a little high...? But apparently it isn't and it is said that high forehead people were smart ._. NAH. Does not work that way HAHAHA. Am not in denial am not in denial.

That said. Why are my eyebrows so thin. I'm gonna grow it out. Bushy's in yo hahahaah okay I tried to grow it out a couple of times but it irked me I don't know why!! It's like weeds you know. Except you can't smoke it hahaha okay whatever I'm a little mad here.

(OMG LOL. Neopets just emailed me to inform my that my account was gonna be close down due to deactivation... what the hell. I haven't played Neopets in at least 8 years and it takes 8 years to shut the account down?!?!)

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What's in my head? The inconsistency in people and how they're reacting to me seems a whole lot different. Is this the case of "everything's the same but in a different light"? I want to feel the same towards people, feel the security, feel the love.. but then someone I truly cared about reminded me about the fact of life and it did hurt because it felt as if I was watching something die in front of me? As if death wasn't pain enough... witnessing death.. ?

Dear friend, I don't know if I dare to embrace this security that you've given me any longer because it's all messed up in the grey areas and I'm always having to take a step back because our lives is ours and you can't always be there for me, can't always be there to spare a thought for me, can't follow me to my darkest thoughts in my head.. But why do I have this sense of distance between us? It really feels as if I'm trying my hardest to reign in a rope that's falling away with gravity.. Bruises, these bruises I have placed upon myself. If I could love.. if I could love anyone as easy as you said it was.. And I wished I could open up to you again because you've heard words never shared with any other from me but now it's just hard? 

Do distance between people not mean a thing? Or is it purely a case of self-delusion? Delusions that distance is merely of a coincidence and not a choice? That distance shouldn't make you feel any less? That distance shouldn't give you a reason to feel unloved?

Do you lose yourself to your make-beliefs or lose yourself to the belief in people?

THE PICTURE'S SO PRETTY, AND HE IS SO PRETTY

Today marks the fourth day of me being on the road..

of course, with an instructor on my side.

And boy, was it so eventful.
My terrible control of the steer,
The car wobbling so much it made me burst out into laughter
and I felt so embarrassed with the other trainee cars staring,
Crushing some worker's helmet while doing a u-turn on the slope,
Stalling during half-clutches etc.

It was really funny.
And then I realized I'm growing up.
I still find it amusing growing up.
And then I wonder, must I really grow up?

I.. still think of me as a kid.

Just like the one above with the castle propped happily on her head.

Can't imagine me growing up.

 

Will I ever grow up????

I probably have a funky old grandma soul in me now,

but I'd probably never let my sagging skin tell me anything else.

Okay, I am hippy, preppy, too happy for anyone.

But I think of my friends.. think of society..

Think of the mentalities we're forced to possess..

Think about life.. love..

Love..?

I always think I am too young for love.

Too independent for love.

Too much of a free spirit for love.

But like a kid who doesn't know how to get himself food,

doesn't know why, but he still hungers.

Looking at love or people falling in love,

is looking at them placing a veil over their heads,

and my eyes,

my eyes are clouded.

And their heads, their heads hidden.

And in their heads, a picture of me fades..

YOU DON'T KNOW IT

Pop and easy listening music is created for a reason. Other than to suck your cash and blindly following cults but.. you know, keeps you away from the heavy stuff.

And I should get away from the heavy stuff. Does that mean I have to get away from reading? I should seek a balance. Yes, a balance. How will I seek balance? Thou shalt not think?

*

I'm starting to get away from wallowing in this war in my head wondering what's the purpose of life and things we do.. But somehow I know I'd come crawling back for answers. But let me just drift in and out of my consciousness first before trying to figure out reality.. come to think of it, I have the rest of my life to figure out reality. But what's there to figure out right? I'm gonna resolve to back to the path of the pull between resistance and submission.

Sometimes being an empty vessel seems to be the easiest. You may be the fool, but guess who the joke is on? Yep, the world. Joke's on the world.

Why so cynical?

*

Reading. Looking at allegory, metaphors, analogies, introspection, theories etc. just gets you thinking you know? It's amazing how layered and complicated and mysterious you are. Yeah, you. Your head, your thoughts, your heart, body, mind, soul, spirit... Mmm.

Excerpts. I love excerpts. So I will bombard this with excerpts. Because I need to shelter these words other than in my head.

*

 The Land of Green Plums by Herta Muller

"They stood in line, like people in a store. When death was served to someone, everyone moved up a place. What did the milk of the fog know about it, or the currents of air, or the curve of the tracks? A death is as cheap as the hole in your pocket. You stick your hand in it, and your whole body has to go along. The more people died, the greater the obsession of those who remained."

Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes

"Strange about learning; the farther I go, the more I see that I never knew even existed. A short while ago, I foolishly thought I could learn everything - all the knowledge in the world. Now I hope only to be able to know of its existence, and to understand one grain of it."

"The foolish thing was trying to solve the problem all by myself. But the deeper I get tangled up in this mass of dreams and memories, the more I realize that emotional problems can't be solved as intellectual problems are. That's what I discovered about myself last night. I told myself I was wandering around like a lost soul, and then I saw that I was lost."

*

I realized that I have so many different thoughts and opinions on everything. And it needs to be coaxed to get it out of my system. These words aren't familiar but they're all mine. It's amazing huh? The human mind.

STUCK IN BETWEEN US

Heavy heart-to-heart talks,

Listening to my confusion and terrible conveyance of what I feel & think,

Listening to your thoughts that should never be out in black and white,

How tightly we want to hold onto this and trying to freeze this part of life..

I don't know how and what to say, but..

Try to be real, don't we all want to feel something real?

It slips between our fingers like sand,
And we feel as if we're blindfolded, frantically wanting to grasp something,

only to find that we're just grappling shadows that pass.

Moving on.. Parting.. Drifting..

Just like breaths that our lips,

Flashes of light that pushes the corners of our mouths with or against gravity,

Words that find shelter in our ears even if we fight against it,

The Art of life.

We can't freeze time,

Can't freeze moments,

Can't hold on tightly to each other

Without feeling the tug of tiredness,

Carved lines that slowly form.

To fight against nature is just silly.

It is just like trying to go back to the former skips of the heart,

Trying to snuggle in the warmth of your mother's arms when she hears your first cries.

So what do we do?

We freeze the moments in our heads and hearts,

Smile and laugh and call it a memory,

Cry and scream in rage when it becomes distant,

Feel bittersweet knowing you can no longer return to 'then'

And then finally lay your head upon the white and try to be at peace.

Try to be at peace with the theories of time and age.

Try to be at peace with life,

and most importantly,

yourself.

I WON'T FALL OUT OF.. LOVE. LIFE. LINE.

The heart has reasons that
reason does not understand.

Sometimes you wished you had reasons.

Reasons to sing. Reasons to smile to yourself.

Reasons to hold your breath and let your heart skip a beat.

Reasons to battle with the world. Reasons to whistle when you're alone.

Reasons.. are they plain excuses?

Reasons.. do we have to really find one?

Reasons.. or are we just too blind to see?

Do you need love to smile?

Do you need anger to hate?

Do you need time to learn to wait?

Do you need sadness to cry?

Do you need desire to love?

WHEN DID IT ALL START MAKING SENSE?

What is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is

Am in need of isolation. And to drown myself in words. Because only words make sense. It has always made sense. But it can be so obscure, and we can be so guarded. We sit in the face of sense and all we do is to prove we are lampoonists.

What's wrong? Nothing's right sometimes. And falling is the last thing I want to do. Wanting something you can't get would be next. Check, and check.