it ain't over it ain't over;

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. Know and Understand that one should never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

1. :)
2. This dweeb is so funny and I don't even know what show he's from
3. Today, I stalked somebody for at least an hour.... a solid hour. Must've been mad but I got really tired and stoned but nothing juicy got out of it hahahahahahahahaha it was mad funny.. and fun ;) totally wanna do it again
4. I haven't had time to sit down and go through my pictures and all so erm, just wait for it kids.. even though I get nagged at so much
5. My mind's doing a switching on and off thing, I think I better sleep
6. I should sleep before 2am. HIMYM taught me that nothing good ever happens after 2am. True y/n?
7. I want to go into cute little shops and quiet places, stand there and imagine all the lovely photos I could take with a film camera
8. Next year, I'm really looking forward to 2011. Doesn't look pretty but a new year, a new soul
9. I'm hot and cold hot and cold hot and cold
10. Doesn't the gif wanna make you yawn like crazy? I did the whole time I was typing this whole chunk hee hee






2011, come on over here!
x L

all the lovers;

I’ve been rereading your story. I think it’s about me in a way that might not be flattering, but that’s okay. We dream and dream of being seen as we really are and then finally someone looks at us and sees us truly and we fail to measure up. Anyway: story received, story included. You looked at me long enough to see something mysterioso under all the gruff and bluster. Thanks. Sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them.

Richard Siken

x

I haven't had a lot of time to myself lately but it feels good somehow. Today, I bought christmas presents... haven't done that for.. years?! It feels slightly strange, a little nice but mostly annoying because I am really bad at getting things for people. I was never the kind who'd pop up with random gifts or little surprises for anyone at all. So.. I hope people would see that it takes a hell lot of effort on my part to give something even if its a tiny little thing.. but you were on my mind somehow :) I don't do the whole "I saw this and grabbed it within 5 seconds" thing, but I'm a "I saw this and I wonder if you liked it and I stood around for a good 5 minutes to think if you'd like it" thing hahahahaha not to mention, I have a little habit of ignoring the price when it comes to buying gifts so erm, I had to curb that too. Like a friend said, I gotta think about me me me me me me something that shouts me me me me me.

Ah, I had so much to say.. but my mind's a blank right now so I'll just get back to presents wrapping.. Know what's the one thing I like receiving from people? LETTERS. hee hee. I have a thing for letters... no it's not a fetish. But it feels nice to be thought about, to be loved and to just know that someone cares. Not to mention, it'd be nice to receive presents but I shall push that thought aside. Tis' season is about giving and I'm gonna be as giving as I can..... while stocks last. hahahahah nonsense

Come to think of it, 2010 went by really fast hasn't it? It's always a strange feeling. You feel different from the person you were a few months back. Always. I can't believe I have graduated from school and haven't stepped in there eversince despite devoting my entire life to it back in the beginning of the year. I used to hang out so much with the fuckyeah people, our neverending stayovers and alcoholic episodes etc. & TIOMAN.. and here we are, trying to reconnect in every way possible to have an awesome fuckyeah party again(?) and it's a little nostalgic haha.. Ah, there's so much. Friends loved and lost.. If I were to read back my resolutions/goals for this year.. I'd probably have achieved close to nothing? Hahaha, which is another reminder for me to pin up some goal thing on my wall/mirror.

But this year, this year. I didn't feel like I connected with this year. I don't feel as if I'm a part of this year... I look at dates and I don't feel a thing. It's... hard to explain how I feel but I think this is where people say, "2010 isn't my year." It's weird in a way. But I think I have grown a lot too.. For the better and for the worse. I have never really felt the whole "I am trying to find my place and identity" but this year, it feels a little like that. I'm not searching for a Persona or someone I could be or trying to fit in.. but I feel like a rubberband. Pulled in all sorts of directions and trying to find steady ground. You question a lot about faith, life, love and most of all, yourself. Sometimes you wonder if you became the shadow of yourself or simply just looking deeper into yourself. 

I think this is part of "growing pains". The year you turn 20 doesn't seem like a pleasant year somehow.. Well, that's food for thought.

In case you miss me when I'm silent..... I'm still here

x L

there's a fire starting in my heart;

The only obsession everyone wants: ‘love.’ People think that in falling in love they make themselves whole? The Platonic union of souls? I think otherwise. I think you’re whole before you begin. And the love fractures you. You’re whole, and then you’re cracked open.

The Dying Animal by Philip Roth

1. I can breathe and feel alive like a kid again

2. Remember that quote where you don't remember exactly what happened but how you felt at that moment? I think I've lost those moments. It feels like pages in my book has been slowly erased... I want it to be blank all over again :)

3. With or without you.... with or without me, am not dispensable or so easy to leave. I'm not made to be left or to be dispensable

4. Yeah, I'm not dispensable. Not a tool. Not so easy to love and leave.

5. That said, that's a good life lesson. Listen to that one kids, don't make it so easy for anyone to leave you. Go listen to some kick ass song about making people's lives hard when they're mean/treating you wrongly etc. hahahahahah okay or something uplifting *flicks hand

6. PHONE I HEAR YOU VIBRATING, STOP VIBRATING *chucks vibrating device to pervs*

.

.

.

I'm so lazy to edit photos and all that nonsense! So busy, and today I finally had some time to myself but time alone never feels enough.. So much to do. Off to sleep, hope I'd kick ass tomorrow hee hee

x L

promise not to promise anymore;

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.

Elie Wiesel 

‎Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Mark Twain

.

.

.

1. dancing in the bathroom to "Fuck you" by cee lo green, mtv's pretty cute

2. taking an unintentional nap after days and days of torture of resisting naps

3. feeling the warmth of your puppy next to your butt

4. feeling like you're working towards something... just something :)

5. wanting to go somewhere where nobody knows your name, wishing you weren't bound by anything anyone 

6. why do people seem to make it a job to take somebody down? now my dearest friend is somewhere wishing she weren't under the same sky, wishing she could disintegrate and be part of the stars. where did she go wrong? is it a fault to love too much? is it anyone's fault to care too much? if you're reading this, i just want to lie in bed with you all day and not say a thing. we'll just breathe because we'll just exist. we'll do nothing for now, and we'll fight. sometimes not because we want to, but because we can. and i'll do anything over and over with you again if it'd at least give comfort & familiarity..... 

hungry,

x L

i am a part of your soul, boy;

"Funny how we think of romance as always involving two, when the romance of solitude can be ever so much more delicious and intense."

— Tom Robbins

x

I dislike feeling bitter about this. It feels so foreign. It feels indifferent. It feels... strange. Like we are, indeed, strangers. Like we were meant to somehow dissolve. You may say no, but.. we both know.. we both know. And then you make me wonder.. am I really naive for believing so?

A couple of months back, it was a different happy. A different kind of naive. And then fast forward to the future, you look back and question who you were back then. You think about who you were, what made you happy, what made you sad, what kept you alive.. And you may secretly yearn for it or you may secretly hate it.. You start questioning what could've been real, what could've been different, what you couldn't have possibly missed out. It's ... I.. I can't put it in words. I smile for most of the part thinking about my past, whatever it was. I cringe sometimes, I get irked sometimes, I get pissed sometimes, I feel small sometimes, I feel a lot braver, I feel cold most of the times... so on... But in order to move on from where you were stuck at, you always gotta think a step ahead.

And this step ahead? Knowing that whatever happened whether you liked it or not, whether you sucked it up or fought.. that whatever happened made you who you were. However bitter you felt, however hateful you were, however spiteful, however naive.. Turn it around. I know it's hard, but what is easy? I admit I still wear scars from the past, but who isn't? I may not listen to songs I used to anymore with the same smile on my face, I may not want to ever embrace the kind of love that someone else preaches about to me, I may not want to be happy for the same people that I used to be happy for.. But I will listen to the songs knowing how special they used to be, I will embrace respect and love even more, I will be happy for so many others alike in time to come and to just be happy for them till time takes it away..  At least. I try. I'll try. We may all be broken, but being broken gives us even more reason to.. heal?

So smile or cry, you're you and your "beginning" starts everyday. Whatever today is, it's a day. It could be another day, but for the most part of it, it could be a reason to start or feel new everyday.





That was so cliche,
x L

today is your new beginning;

(flickr) found amazing photography with amazing quotes

i'll taste the devil's tears and drink from it's soul;

Devil's Tears - Angus & Julia Stone



x

"When we say things like, people don't change. It drives scientists crazy. Because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, it's always changing. Morphing. Merging. Growing. Dying. It's the way people that try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on leaving, despite every scientific indication that everything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change, that's up to us. It can feel like death, or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment, we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again."

Grey's Anatomy Season 7 Episode 1 

.
.
.

It feels like that isn't it? How tightly we want to hold onto something old and not want it to change. Because we can be so scared of change. Today, I realized how afraid of change I was, that I had forgotten about the change that I had always looked forward to. I was too happy, too comfortable and I wanted to live it recklessly. Abuse the comfort I knew I shouldn't have taken granted of. Then I lost it. I fell and lost it. Poof went my dreams, poof went my sanity. I lost my dreams, lost my head, lost my heart.

So today, I was reminded of what I wished I hadn't let go. And it is today that a little plan popped into my head - a little little plan that I had forgotten in the midst of all the indulgence. It is only amidst chaos that we have a clarifying moment, or a fresh breath of life. And we'll never let it go, we'll never let go of the defining moment. The part where it gets too hard and suffocating that we commit it to memory. We take it and draw it across our heart, forever there and forever scarred.

So here I am, speaking from the aftermath. That should you lose your head and heart at any part of life, remember your beginning and what you used to be, and then fall back into the now and let yourself be foolish, let your heart be broken, let your tears dry on your own. Then crawl into the light and just breathe and let it go. Step out of the skin you shed and just walk. Walk away and walk on.. Just walk on. And live life as if you were born all over again :)





x L