Because I love The Weepies... Tremendously. And because it reminded me of an old friend I wish I could have back :) This one's for you in spite of everything. Don't swell up though, I'm talking to that old friend in you, not the new hardened one that reflected in my eyes the other day.. Still.
1. Why are you so not interested to talk
2. Why are you so not interested to talk
3. Why are you so not interested to talk
4. Why are you so not interested to talk
5. Why are you so not interested to talk
6. Why are you so not interested to talk
7. Why are you so not interested to talk
8. Why are you so not interested to talk
9. Why are you so not interested to talk
10. Why are you so not interested to talk
11. Why are you so not interested to talk
12. Why are you so not interested to talk
13. Why are you so not interested to talk
14. Why are you so not interested to talk
15. Why are you so not interested to talk
16. Why are you so not interested to talk
17. Why are you so not interested to talk
18. Why are you so not interested to talk
19. Why are you so not interested to talk
20. What's your problem?
TONIGHT. I AM TIRED OF TRYING TO BE THERE FOR PEOPLE. I AM TIRED OF FEELING RESENTMENT, FEELING ALONE, FEELING UNLOVED. OK I LOST A BESTFRIEND AND I HAVE TO SAY I AM SAD THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO TALK TO ME AND I HATE YOU FOR THAT. I HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE? I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS ALONE FROM DAY 1 AND YOU HAVENT EVEN BOTHERED TO SAY A LITTLE HI OR ACT INDIFFERENT. THANKS FRIEND. YOU REALLY WERE THE BEST. BESTFRIEND RIGHT. HAHAHAHAH OK I THINK THAT WAS FUNNY. AND AND I HAVE SO MUCH RESENTMENT SUDDENLY LOLOLOL SEE NOW IM TURNING MAD. IM MAD AND FUMING MAD. IM 2 FACES OF MAD. IM LAUGHING CRYING ANGRY MAD.
AND PEOPLE ARE THE BEST. IS THIS WHY PEOPLE WANT TO RUN AWAY? I HATE Y'ALL LOLOLOL
Tonight. The weather was lovely to sit out. Maybe a cigarette would be good for some, a hot cuppa for others.. but a walk was all I needed. All I could afford. I saw a couple reading in their balcony - to each his own. A man running down the slope. I took a deep breath and held it when he ran past me. Blink twice. Gone. Empty spaces on the road didn't stop me from avoiding them. But what was supposed to be there did. So, the white elephant won again. My eyes float up to the window I walk past and gaze upon every night. Every night, the same story plays in my head. Every night, I ponder about the possibility. Possibilities..... I walk on. I hum a little, skip a little. And I just before I reach my door, I always wished that I could walk more. Walk into the night. Sit out in the park. Alone. Think.
And when the thought of thinking comes into my head.. I start to feel. Feel the anguish. Feel the pain. Feelings I have avoided for months now comes rushing back to me. No, it isn't about you. No, not you. It's just.. all these funny little things that seem to work like little paperclips to magnets. It comes in pieces but ends up in a mess. Just like us and the tangles we are always caught in. Inevitable.
Then I thought about how anyone hates to be told how they're acting. No, scratch that. We all hate to be seen through. We hate to be transparent. We hate to be read. We hate to be told in true honesty of what we really are.
And I turned the tables upon myself. Right now, I blame time. I blame time for change. We think we are all special to so many others. We think we're permanent fixtures in anyone else's life. But we forget, we are furniture. We get rearranged. We'd like to think we're bricks and concrete. But when time introduces the concept of change, the concept of revolution, the concept of.. different. We're then arranged. We become the "old comfy sofa". You're always there, waiting to provide whatever you can when you can. You aren't number 1 anymore. And that's how people can make you feel.
Not saying that change isn't meant to be embraced but I'm hating it now. It's like the Queen Bee has been dethroned. Like whatever you used to have isn't yours anymore. And someone else is the old you to someone.
Remember the people who said "I'll be there." So where are you? Sometimes I do wonder that. Or do they mean they'll "be there" when something really bad happens? When a farewell is on it's way, or a shocking tragedy comes knocking on their door? It is plain to see why people do desperate things when they want attention. Now you know that there's a little truth in TV shows.
I think of your voices and it makes me cringe. All your words and thoughts and feelings. It feels like I have created Frankenstein and hated it. I hate it. I hate what I have given so much to end up in nothing. I think this is.. selfish? Is this a selfish act? Do you resent the people you should love? I feel twisted.
And then I think of hope. Hope that sugar-coats the words out of their mouths. Hope that is so ready to devour you. I now hate the hope that people are meant to give me. Why did you take so much from me just to see it die? Why walk away and say sorry when sorry is just another form of hope for closure? Why can't you be a man and shake my shoulders and look in my eyes and be honest? Why promise hope when hope was never yours?
So you know, if you can't live up to it. Then don't bother in the first place. Finish what you started.
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So I'm tired. I think I had to kill the tiny ones in me just to blah all these out. Writing therapy. Ah. Onto good soothing music... and sleep... and retail therapy,
"Funny how we think of romance as always involving two, when the romance of solitude can be ever so much more delicious and intense."
— Tom Robbins
x
I dislike feeling bitter about this. It feels so foreign. It feels indifferent. It feels... strange. Like we are, indeed, strangers. Like we were meant to somehow dissolve. You may say no, but.. we both know.. we both know. And then you make me wonder.. am I really naive for believing so?
A couple of months back, it was a different happy. A different kind of naive. And then fast forward to the future, you look back and question who you were back then. You think about who you were, what made you happy, what made you sad, what kept you alive.. And you may secretly yearn for it or you may secretly hate it.. You start questioning what could've been real, what could've been different, what you couldn't have possibly missed out. It's ... I.. I can't put it in words. I smile for most of the part thinking about my past, whatever it was. I cringe sometimes, I get irked sometimes, I get pissed sometimes, I feel small sometimes, I feel a lot braver, I feel cold most of the times... so on... But in order to move on from where you were stuck at, you always gotta think a step ahead.
And this step ahead? Knowing that whatever happened whether you liked it or not, whether you sucked it up or fought.. that whatever happened made you who you were. However bitter you felt, however hateful you were, however spiteful, however naive.. Turn it around. I know it's hard, but what is easy? I admit I still wear scars from the past, but who isn't? I may not listen to songs I used to anymore with the same smile on my face, I may not want to ever embrace the kind of love that someone else preaches about to me, I may not want to be happy for the same people that I used to be happy for.. But I will listen to the songs knowing how special they used to be, I will embrace respect and love even more, I will be happy for so many others alike in time to come and to just be happy for them till time takes it away.. At least. I try. I'll try. We may all be broken, but being broken gives us even more reason to.. heal?
So smile or cry, you're you and your "beginning" starts everyday. Whatever today is, it's a day. It could be another day, but for the most part of it, it could be a reason to start or feel new everyday.
Someone told me to save what I wanted to say for another day, and I think that's for the best for tonight. I spent at least an hour working on it but.. It's not the right time. Dear you, there was so much to say and too much to feel. I think the only fault that I'll take, is that I care too much for you. So there.
And unlike what y'all think, I AM HAPPY AND I AM OKAY. I am neither sad nor bitter nor angry, despite what my posts may lead you to think. It's just.. sadness can be a really comforting friend. And sadness is so much easier to express than blabbering happiness. More on it another time. Let's sleep it off..
I have been feeling as if my eyes are about to go inwards any moment and it's scaring me. I don't want to feel like this forever... Or are my eyes just really tired? I think I need to be away from the computer and Iphone and stuff... Feel so cross-eyed :(
That said....
Good drinks, comfy seats, melt-in-your-mouth cakes are one of the greatest accompaniment with all kinds of talks.. The sad, the quiet, the awkward, the good, the batshit crazy etc. And that's just what I want to do. Plop yourself into a plushy sofa, sip the coffee and just talk about anything and everything... or keep the silence going and words hanging in the air. Works either way :)
x
Today on the bus ride home, anger suddenly overtook me and watered my eyes. I don't know, is this the work of PMS? I need more angry songs about the world.. and people. And then I think I really should let things go. Like, forget it. Just move on. Just.. Just live your life. We all seem happy where we are. The distance right would ease the distance in the future. It's hard to resist the urge of saying, "Have a nice life" and walk off forever.. or try to stay away forever.
But then, I really don't know. Really don't know how to feel so I'm just gonna hold it off for awhile and sleep on it till something pops in my head again.. Is time on our side, really?
So I have been annoying people by singing this song to them all the time... haha :x Things have been alright lately, I just feel like I need to start on this job thingy asap!! Need to tire myself out or just occupy my time with something productive. It's crazy how there's so much to do even though I've had so many months to work on it all...
x
Because it's gonna be the time of the month again, today was a little on the downside for me when it came to having time alone. Just sitting in the bus and staring out the window's good enough to get me into the mood. I was thinking about the people whom I used to care for or people who used to care for me.. It's just sad that we all have somehow moved on from that part of life. People whom I used to talk to everyday, people who used to drop the occasional hello how are you i miss you, people who you can just turn to at anytime of the day or night...
Then somehow time decides that life ticks away with the tickety-tock of the clock, and that change slips from a hand to another like gears working their magic in the mechanics of it. Just thinking about all the people whom I used to care about so much and how their absence in my life right now can be so insignificant - it's pretty scary isn't it? Knowing how strongly one declares his love for another in a day of the past can be so insignificant to both parties in years to come. Knowing how much pain one had a decade ago can be a passing thought to him a decade later.
And you think - what would you be to another in a decade? Would he still tell me he still loves me very much? Would he tell me that he'd be no lesser of a man to me? Would she be there for me even at 3am in the morning still? Would my heart still beat with passion? Would memories that I've shared with another be just another photo on the wall? Would that ring that I used to wear everyday lay there in the glass cabinet and be a reminder of heartaches that has yet to arrive? Would I still love you the very same?
Or what if you still do love the very same person so much a decade later? How would you feel being just referred to as "the girl who set my heart on fire"? Or be a reminder of heartaches that lives in the remnants of the history you both shared? How would you feel knowing that the other party feels a lot lesser for you than you'd let show?
Would you seize the chance now to tell whoever how you really feel? Would you recklessly love? Would you wear your heart on your sleeve? Would you not fear rejection and disappointment and know that hey, at least you loved.. That at least you dared. That at least you feared. That most of all, you learnt.
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But I guess most of us fear. And we handle fear a different way. Some of us take a deep breath and go with our heart, some of us work based on gut and instinct and our head. We learn only when we hurt, we learn when we realize that time makes us look a fool. What seemed to be the beginning of something turned into the horror of realization of an ending.
What happens when you don't need to experience things when you can just learn when you're a spectator of other peoples' lives? You try to be there for people and you try to share it with them. You try to cushion their fall, you try. You just try. And then you realize your own ways of coping with change and fear. It shuttles between the good and bad of it all, and you may turn wary and cautious. You tell yourself constantly to take conscious care of your own heart just as you would with a prized possession - don't place it anywhere, don't leave it behind, don't lose it, don't lend it.
And just when you thought you found a perfect hiding place for your heart when you don't need it... Bam. Your heart fell and bruised. Your heart got scratched and bruised. You thought you could let loose for awhile, but time tells you otherwise. You learnt lessons you thought you knew, you feel what you could've felt without the need of being involved, you possess new eyes and see things dimensionally. And you start hurting, hurting like anyone out there. Hurting for another eyeing you this whole time. Hurting so another could learn a lesson or two from you.
So you learn to not let down your defence so easily. You learn not to be attached. You learn to block out unnecessary daydreams and what-ifs. You learn not to look upon strangers with dreamy eyes. You learn to be like an onion, people having to peel layer after layer to hit home. But still you clutch on tightly to that heart no matter what. You don't know if that is the best solution to preventing a broken heart, but you work with what feels right for now...
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And with that, today I feel like I miss people that I could've gotten a lot closer to. I miss people that could've been given second chances. I miss people that could've been a bigger part of my life. But I know I'll wake up tomorrow knowing that I'd rather look forward to more tomorrows instead of wanting to relive yesterdays.
Oh... yesterdays. I miss a lot of yesterdays, and sometimes I wonder if the same people feel the same way. Oh, I am human and I just can't seem to let go of certain yesterdays and sometimes I wish I could be impulsive. Just.. sometimes.
Sometimes I wish I had a lot more feelings for people (like.. or maybe especially you),
I heard a certain thing and was quite fired up... but since it's over, I feel at peace now
1. I would say sorry personally if it'd make you feel any better. And it has nothing to do with your education or whatsoever, don't take it too personally.. What we said was indeed childish but it was never meant to be blown up or taken to a personal level, so.. yes sorry it was lame.
2. But you should be apologetic for spreading things all around social networking sites and calling us/me bitches, telling your friends about how my entry sparked off things...? When obviously my entry was written after you guys said those horrible things about my friend which did piss me off. Wouldn't your own friends stand up for you too? and I chose not to delete anything because i'm clear and rationale about the things I did say.. so please don't go around telling people your story which obviously doesn't have the theory of "it takes 2 hands to clap". Yes, there were horrible things we said that offended you, but what you said about my friend isn't nice either which obviously pissed us off. You guys were posting snide remarks about her on facebook, saying you're angry at a bitch, openly telling your friends about the ex-gf.. It really isn't any nicer than our comment about your english. It's offensive. But er, that's what I think.. *shrugs* :\
3. My friend and I obviously do not want to break y'all up. Just like how you didn't expect to break anyone up but you had to carry the blame around with you still.. What would we get out of it? My friend obviously doesn't want your bf back cos she has her own bf..
4. We do not thrive on your misery, you were someone whom I used to favour(which obviously you should know) and I'm welcome to make peace anytime..
5. That said, our intention was never to bring you down or to ruin your relationship. Neither do we hate you, you just happened to be in the wrong place and wrong time. Guess we just hated the fact that the guy was never honest to you and he had to drag in his old girlfriend all the time.. It's just unfair to you and to the ex-gf. Even as a girl, I'd feel unfair for you because all you did was to love and what did you get back?
6. Whatever it is, if it's really something special, make it work. Make all the mess worth it... Don't play tit for tat, it never ends well.
