if you wanna go, just go;

x

I'm losing faith in everything.
People. Love. Systems. Time.
It's so easy not to care.

Time.
I just want to hurry along with time.
But I can't tell if I'm losing my step or keeping up with..
Time.
Time.
Ask yourself again and again.
Can time heal. Can time feel.
Time.

Don't know if time is an illusion.
Because it feels like I'm back to where I have been.
Or a new place that seems like it.

So time,
bring me somewhere else.
I'm not needed in this time.
Not needed.
Not in this time and space.

I just breathe when told to breathe.
Live when told to live.
But time decides everything else.
My death. My poverty. My devastation. My illnesses.

Do you wait with time, or do you wait for time?
Do you resist time or fall limp and succumb to time?

Time?
It's not the time.
It's never ripe.
It's never going to happen.
Time.

Time will tell.






x L

I think....;

Someone told me to save what I wanted to say for another day, and I think that's for the best for tonight. I spent at least an hour working on it but.. It's not the right time. Dear you, there was so much to say and too much to feel. I think the only fault that I'll take, is that I care too much for you. So there.

And unlike what y'all think, I AM HAPPY AND I AM OKAY. I am neither sad nor bitter nor angry, despite what my posts may lead you to think. It's just.. sadness can be a really comforting friend. And sadness is so much easier to express than blabbering happiness. More on it another time. Let's sleep it off..

x L

jekyll and hyde

I stared myself in the mirror, placed a hand on the sink and got lost to the noise of the strokes of the brush.. I tilted my head to the left, blinked.. and my eyes got lost in my reflection. I thought, " Are we all cats with 9 lives? How many times does our soul have to die again and again just to feel alive?"

If love kills, if love tears us apart, if love blinds, if love shatters our soul.. how do we deal with it? Would our inner psychopath get a glimpse of daylight? Would we be playing hide and seek with our demons?

How dark can a person be? How dark and tainted can your thoughts be? Is it too perplex for penetration or are we all just a paradoxical effect?

The word "Self-Destruction" came into my mind. And perhaps it can be so prompt at a time like this.. That self-destruction can be so easy sometimes. That you can spiral into a series of actions just to drown out the noise and to live in your dreams. That reality is bullshit and the dreamy state you indulge in is all the air you need to breathe. 

I think it is pretty plain and simple to know why self-destruction happens: To get attention for help.

You can say, "Why can't you just approach someone and talk to them? Tell them how they feel?" Yeah sure they can, but then? Then what happens? By telling someone how you honestly, true-to-God feel, you're putting out your vulnerability and probably presenting a situation in which no one can probably get you out of.. And what are they gonna do? Spit back at you the cliches, recite poems and words of wisdom, tell you the bitter truth that living in your head isn't an option.. 





x


I finally understood the lame and childish ways of those self-destructing bitches in the shows. Their non-stop yearning for attention is a simple cry for help. The bitches throw themselves at you, present you their hurt and damaged soul, and what do the people do? They think they're mad, think they're just "thinking too much", think that all they need is time and that "life's like that, suck it up bitch". And then you witness the bitches downing alcohol, throwing their bodies around, chain smoking in your face, abusing their bodies.. thinking, "My heart and soul has been too shattered for me to feel". Instead of you falling prey to such tactics used to get a bit of your time, you turn away disgusted. Disgusted at how attention-seeking they are, disgusted at how morality is no longer a part of them. You thought they were "strong enough", thought they were "too good for anything like that".. and you thought wrong, didn't you? You witness the downfall of a perfectly good heart.... and you wonder if it was all because of you.


Speaking of hearts, a thought popped into my head today..










"We must either be fools to want to damage our hearts over and over again, blindly believing in the idea of love to exist... or just tainted bitter souls, ravaged by the heartbreaks trying to live..."




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When I am in a situation, I see it from a third person point of view. Therefore, I was able to conjure up about like a thousand personalities in me. Kidding. But I feel like a "Jekyll and Hyde". I'm still stuck in a personality but I can't figure who I am right now.. But this is probably what I can cough up right now. Hell, everyone of us has demons.



1. The Paranoid Bitch

 The girl who over-thinks everything. Reads too much into things. The one who thinks she second guesses you and your statements. The one who smirks and laughs and whose imagination runs too wild and you can't control it.. So you avoid her.


2. The Know-It-All


The girl who thinks she sees through you... which is mostly correct somehow(intuition?) You don't have to say or act a certain way, you just need to let slip a little of honesty and it's ABC, 1,2,3.. ding ding. She knows you too well. She reads you too well. And she knows your next move just too well.. Humanity can be such a game.. or chore.


3. The Pity Sweetheart 

The girl who smiles at adversity, who feels sorry for even being angry. The girl who apologizes for even throwing the smallest of tantrums at you after hearing you out. The girl who sucks it up and end it with a smile. But don't you know? "The person with the most smiles is also one with the most heartbreaks"? So go on, break her heart again and again. It doesn't matter if she lies to you, you just want to see her smile and live life "happily".


4. The Bigger Man

The girl who is always in control of her fleeting thoughts. The girl who apologizes for herself and the girl who is selfless. She knows better than to be bitter and hateful because it can be very childish, and she wants to always be fronting the "I am so awesome at life, look at how big of a man I am". So she sucks it up and tell you with a shrug, " It's okay. Life's like that right?" She would rather make peace and live in her war zone than to show it to anyone.



5. The Hippie

The girl who runs through emotions just like going through clothes. The dreamer. The believer in free spirit. The girl who wants to be devoid of any form of stability, reliance and dependency on anyone or anything. She just wants to be free... so when faced with a situation, she'd run. Run and say, "Things are better left unsaid" and they leave you, thinking it is better to leave when you can, leave when things can't get any worse.. What's a memory if it's bittersweet? She feeds on your heart, your curiousity, your never ending desire and thirst for her till she feels she has done her deed, till she doesn't want to ache from the pains of mortality, and so she runs.. and run forever she will..


6. The Bitter 


The girl who is pessimistic, who feels as if she belong in the dark cold night, who is possessed with sardonic wit. She knows the drill of the vicious cycles in the world too well, knows your bland theories and mindsets like the back of her hand. She smirks at your wondrous and pretty thoughts and ideals, she takes your happy words and spit venom all over it. She just doesn't wanna take your bullshit. Period.




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(If I could, I would always want to be "The Bigger Man". If it makes anyone happy) 
But I'm a default hippie. 




ps. and i have so much more to say but who am I to ever say anything anymore? I can't decide who I want to be to you, what I want to say.. too vast and too vulnerable. I'm such a wreck, horrible horrible mess.