all the lovers;

I’ve been rereading your story. I think it’s about me in a way that might not be flattering, but that’s okay. We dream and dream of being seen as we really are and then finally someone looks at us and sees us truly and we fail to measure up. Anyway: story received, story included. You looked at me long enough to see something mysterioso under all the gruff and bluster. Thanks. Sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them.

Richard Siken

x

I haven't had a lot of time to myself lately but it feels good somehow. Today, I bought christmas presents... haven't done that for.. years?! It feels slightly strange, a little nice but mostly annoying because I am really bad at getting things for people. I was never the kind who'd pop up with random gifts or little surprises for anyone at all. So.. I hope people would see that it takes a hell lot of effort on my part to give something even if its a tiny little thing.. but you were on my mind somehow :) I don't do the whole "I saw this and grabbed it within 5 seconds" thing, but I'm a "I saw this and I wonder if you liked it and I stood around for a good 5 minutes to think if you'd like it" thing hahahahaha not to mention, I have a little habit of ignoring the price when it comes to buying gifts so erm, I had to curb that too. Like a friend said, I gotta think about me me me me me me something that shouts me me me me me.

Ah, I had so much to say.. but my mind's a blank right now so I'll just get back to presents wrapping.. Know what's the one thing I like receiving from people? LETTERS. hee hee. I have a thing for letters... no it's not a fetish. But it feels nice to be thought about, to be loved and to just know that someone cares. Not to mention, it'd be nice to receive presents but I shall push that thought aside. Tis' season is about giving and I'm gonna be as giving as I can..... while stocks last. hahahahah nonsense

Come to think of it, 2010 went by really fast hasn't it? It's always a strange feeling. You feel different from the person you were a few months back. Always. I can't believe I have graduated from school and haven't stepped in there eversince despite devoting my entire life to it back in the beginning of the year. I used to hang out so much with the fuckyeah people, our neverending stayovers and alcoholic episodes etc. & TIOMAN.. and here we are, trying to reconnect in every way possible to have an awesome fuckyeah party again(?) and it's a little nostalgic haha.. Ah, there's so much. Friends loved and lost.. If I were to read back my resolutions/goals for this year.. I'd probably have achieved close to nothing? Hahaha, which is another reminder for me to pin up some goal thing on my wall/mirror.

But this year, this year. I didn't feel like I connected with this year. I don't feel as if I'm a part of this year... I look at dates and I don't feel a thing. It's... hard to explain how I feel but I think this is where people say, "2010 isn't my year." It's weird in a way. But I think I have grown a lot too.. For the better and for the worse. I have never really felt the whole "I am trying to find my place and identity" but this year, it feels a little like that. I'm not searching for a Persona or someone I could be or trying to fit in.. but I feel like a rubberband. Pulled in all sorts of directions and trying to find steady ground. You question a lot about faith, life, love and most of all, yourself. Sometimes you wonder if you became the shadow of yourself or simply just looking deeper into yourself. 

I think this is part of "growing pains". The year you turn 20 doesn't seem like a pleasant year somehow.. Well, that's food for thought.

In case you miss me when I'm silent..... I'm still here

x L