Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sunday, October 23, 2011

r 3 h a b;

I got my ends pink ;)
Am gonna start a whole new blog again..
I know right. AGAIN?
Can't wait for exams to be out.
I need to blog and be all nonsensical again...
Watch this space people! (well in a month's time so ya know)
I've got fuckloads of photos and shitloads to talk and write about

;) x L

Sunday, October 16, 2011

the paper kites;

That's the thing about discovering somebody else and yourself.. You start getting attached emotionally. And it scares you. But you do it anyway because you're a sadist... or rather.. it's normalised. That said, it was a really good talk dear (new) friend. I know that somehow I needed a heart-to-heart talk, that talking could bring me to some kind of an ease. And I'm left feeling closer to something, maybe attained a new level of comfort or achieving what I've always wanted for so long but did not bothered to. Or maybe I found out that I was right that there could always be something more... But along with that, it's shades of grey that probably scares us all. I don't know what I'm driving at.. but I know that it's a little sad that I don't have a "person" that Cristina and Meredith has. I'll get it soon.

x L

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

last night i heard everything in slow motion;

One of the saddest things to be is to be indifferent. You fall into self-pity by being sad about not feeling.. and that's only when you know you're human. Because you had to go in circles only to confront the very thing you're afraid of: To Feel.

I am a Tree. I watch the seasons come and go, just like the shadows that haunt and taunt. The desperate seek shelter; the little - a playground; the lovers - fantasies. I fade into silence and turn unfeeling through the dreadful storms and piercing rays. Still I stand there, a victim of time. I am a Tree. Can you see me?

x L

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Geez does anyone read this anymore?

I don't know. Give me a heads up?

Anyway lately all I can think about is food food food...... I love reading foodblogs ya know. HAHA god I am so greedy.

Melbie's food is awesome as! Okay as you can tell I am thoroughly bored... I'm gonna bring my camera out to take photos of gorgeous food. Yum. Catcha lata alligata!

x L

Monday, August 22, 2011

we're men of snow;

So... love. I remembered writing an entry about love in the past, but I felt it was too.. vulnerable. Too close to the heart to let anyone read it. To give someone, anyone, a chance to know the dark twisty corners of my mind. I haven't visited this place in ages, it's too.. How am I suppose to feel? 

Lately, Love has been in our minds. We're constantly wondering the rights and wrongs, what did we not do or what did we do? What should we do? The why and what ifs and hows.... We don't know. Will we ever know? We think we know the feeling.. how it should be, what it should be.. But when we're faced with it, we just lose it. We ask ourselves, "Where is the supposed intensity? Where is the instant chemistry? Where is the supposed awkwardness that could be a trigger of something explosive?" Just 3 girls and infinite amount of questions......... Answers are floating in the space above our heads just like stars in the sky. We can locate them but we can't pluck them and keep it in a bottle. We can't. Why? We just can't. And there we go again and again. The water flows, the sun shines, we breathe, we kiss and tell.. We think we do every now and then but we still find ourselves slipping and grasping about in the dark. We're blindedfolded all the way through it and we still do it. We still put our hearts out despite it all... Despite it all. 

They say it's the journey that matters, not the end. So I tell myself every time I experience a new feeling or emotion - Savour it. Have I said this before? In the lowest, darkest of cloudy hazy thoughts, I tell myself to savour this moment. Up in the rainbows and sun shining through my every atom, I tell myself to savour this moment. I keep them somewhere in me. I tuck them in different parts of me - behind my eyes, beneath my hairs, under fleeting shadows that quietly traces the outline of my body parts.... All because I know that someday, somewhere, there would be a justification of my repeated devastation and ecstasy. That a moment would arrive when I knew it all meant something...

We all think it could be love. Somewhere under that nonchalant smile, that bitchy flick of the hand, that irritated shrug... We could be thinking it might be love. I would say yes, it is love. But love doesn't have to be between two people.. It could be between you and me, the quiet love in reading, the hazardous love for nature.. Anything. It's an escalation of it all, isn't it? I'd love to indulge in that insanity one day. See? Love. 

Today, I told my friend that I could not love somebody for everything they are and for everything they're not. I could not see how I could love a person - flaws and all. The bumps of their face, their crooked nose, their fits of anger, their hurtful sarcasm... How does one love another despite it all? What is the magical string that binds it all? How do you wake up to somebody with a gazillion zits and call them beautiful? How do you love somebody who stomped all over your heart and then demand for your forgiveness with a simple sorry? How do you think and breathe for someone else who hasn't been there for your entire life? How? How does one love despite it all?

Maybe it is just me... Maybe I can't bring myself to love another because there are so many reasons not to. Maybe I am finding reason after reason to not like about somebody. Maybe I don't see beauty in the ugliest of things. Maybe.... maybe I don't know how to love. But most of all... I think I can't see how anyone can love me. I don't see how anyone can love me for me - my fleeting moments of detachment, my unpredictable mood swings and gypsy tendencies, my uncouth habits, my unperfect face, my unsatisfaction, my absurd behaviour, for my loud and asthmatic laughter, my perpetual dislike for any display of my own vulnerability, my "jack of all trades, master of none" skills, my undecided thoughts and feelings, my.... my... me. My head and heart can't settle in a place, can anyone take that? My brutal honesty followed by my softening.. can anyone take that? My silences and strange twisted thoughts.. can anyone take that? Is it not love and but instead some sort of insanity that could perhaps have hypnotized one into believing one is in love? Is it then just not meant to be for me? Questions... I have so many questions.. it just blows away with the wind because questions are just like leaves. They die and they born again. It looks new but it is all the same.. Again and again, the wind blows and trees grow old and the leaves just go and go and go..

Or maybe it is because I know that every now and then, someone would walk out of my life after seeing the ugliest of me... I don't know. So tell me how? I'll sleep on it tonight and perhaps never know the answer... but I'll find comfort in asking. At least, I asked. But soon, I'll tire of guessing... 

x L

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Caught in the eye of the hurricane;

Eight of Swords. Lost.
A fire I just can't put out.
Can't stop what I start.
Sometimes I blame the distance I am away from home..
Sometimes I blame the increasing need to surrender..
Sometimes I wish I could erase the need..
Most of the time, I tell myself, you reap what you sow.
I don't wanna get started on my future... I really don't..
I just want time to just stay with me for awhile..

So... I don't really know what I want.
I know what I should want.

x L