STAND THERE AND WATCH ME BURN

(a) Words belonging to Pride and Prejudice.. really need to get back to the book but I'm never in the "right mood"

(b) Sasha just 10 minutes ago falling asleep to the clicks of this app on my iPhone

x

I just thought of the quote "Sometimes we build up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down". Cliche as it can be, but aren't cliches a form of reality?

I have never felt more on my own than ever thinking about the absence of certain people in my life. Thinking about the days where we used to anticipate the long conversations, the warmth of each other's presence even if we were miles apart, throwing our arms out in the open inviting the storm, rain, wind, sun... love?

I could cry, I could shout, I could scream and rip my guts out. But none of these would get to anyone because it's all behind closed doors. All on your own. Don't you realize that most of the time how the world is to you, is all in your own eyes? That your grief, your falling apart, your euphoria is mostly on your part? That how you think and feel is sometimes pretty much one-sided? That you could trick your heart and mind into believing a certain someone or a certain belief and then swearing you've never been so sure of anything?

You can get so tired and drained from the battle of the soldiers in your heart and head, but to any other, it is just another day. Another Monday with the blues, another Saturday out downing drink after drink to drown out the noise... 

And that, is just another way to remind us of Isolation.

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So why don't anyone try to get out of Isolation and be with people who are people? So why can't you push your dignity aside and wear your heart on your sleeve?

Here's why : You've done it so many times to know that you'll be going in circles again and again. That's why people take the backseat, that's why people tell you they like loneliness.. All just to see what you'd do to make them feel right again, to get them to help you feel right because the world isn't complete without them. Or without you.

x

That aside, I'm glad I got out of the damn house and breathe the fresh air of the terrible world last night. Saturday night wasn't what it was planned to be.. But I remembered the free flow of drinks.. vodka, tequila shots, whiskey shots, jaggerbombs.. I can't remember.. talking to random people chirpily, saying too many sorrys and excuse-mes and can-I-have-another-cup-of-ice-water and I-really-need-to-pee!!, the nice bartender and clueless waitress, unwanted drama on the bench outside, stoning and looking at nice cars.. and the occasional looking at the names of people I care about on the phone and waiting, sobering up and throwing dirty looks at the overly crowded room filled with people armed with motives(?), ended the night with prata to remind me of my good appetite of late, cursing the cab driver and the long winding road he took, and fell asleep with wishful thinking on my part :)

Somebody, get me out!

xoxo L