CRASH AND BURN

So.. I've been able to have some time alone finally today.. and there seems to be so much going on and I seem to have so much to put down in words. But it just doesn't feel like I should be here right now. I am faced with a multitude of emotions that I am unable to express with my pitiful sad amount of vocabulary that I have. And this is me, trying to string together words that with an uncomfortable fit with no flow or sense.

Like so many others, we're thrown off track hearing about this girl who made the decision of ending her life. I have shed tears for a stranger who broke hearts with her particular decision, and it became somewhat a reminder sent from the man above to us all. Reading through words penned down by her loved ones pushed me into a path I never thought I'd cross. Their faith and strength in keeping her alive in their hearts is so heart wrenching. To know that their pain actually became a pillar of strength for themselves is just.. I can't find the word for it. I'm not even sure if I make any sense at all.

And pity isn't what we all should be feeling, rather, we should be taking it as a point in life to take a step back and look at ourselves.I have somewhat matured from my younger days to actually be a little more understanding about Death. Death, the capping of the lid to our little cups which would never be opened ever again.. If it's one thing about death that we should all know about, is that we can never fight it. Some may argue that she had a choice to live and why shouldn't she? But I have transcended my immaturity and my old broad minded ways to respect decisions. I do not want to believe it was a waste of her life, and sometimes I fight with myself to comply to words I preach. But I believe that our life is our own, and if she felt her time was now, then the time was now. There is no what-ifs and there is no committing a sin - I am trying to believe in the plain reasoning that it is her life and if she felt she has lived it, then she has.

But of course, it is easy and plain for me to say it. But I decided that I should come to terms with respecting decisions people make, that if they were to want to live it in a way society frown upon, then so be it. I could help, anyone could try, but it is your life. And it seemingly is your very own soul and you own every piece of it, and as you age, life would constantly remind you of the disaster or mystery you're blessed with. Like what I said, life - a curse or a blessing, we wouldn't know. It is up to our little minds to decide.

RIP dear girl, it wasn't the best way to leave your love ones, but I hope somehow they'd find solace in the fact that you've thought it through enough to pen down words to them and that you have resolved to ending it the way you chose, and hopefully, it was the way you made peace with rather than to end it in a way that would leave you in a state whereby you couldn't say your last words. Hopefully she is listening to the words of love for  her from her loved ones.. I can't get over her decision or agree to it, but I do respect it and I need to find a resolution and closure for myself to come to terms with it(no I do not know her, but it doesn't mean I should feel any lesser than I should).. so a cheers or a toast for her? xxx

That said, this made me want to tell everyone I love that I love them, that for every thing that made me react or feel is because in some way, that I care. That a part of them plays a part in me. So for anyone who is reading this, this one's for you

And I am thinking twice about putting this entry up, because there is a lot of grey areas. Respecting a decision and agreeing with it is on two different levels and hopefully, no one takes it in a way that I support the idea of taking your life away at any point of time.

So.. let me go away with some Bon Iver, and to dwell more on the bleak parts of life that we more than often tread into.