Nelly - Just A Dream
So I have been annoying people by singing this song to them all the time... haha :x Things have been alright lately, I just feel like I need to start on this job thingy asap!! Need to tire myself out or just occupy my time with something productive. It's crazy how there's so much to do even though I've had so many months to work on it all...
x
Because it's gonna be the time of the month again, today was a little on the downside for me when it came to having time alone. Just sitting in the bus and staring out the window's good enough to get me into the mood. I was thinking about the people whom I used to care for or people who used to care for me.. It's just sad that we all have somehow moved on from that part of life. People whom I used to talk to everyday, people who used to drop the occasional hello how are you i miss you, people who you can just turn to at anytime of the day or night...
Then somehow time decides that life ticks away with the tickety-tock of the clock, and that change slips from a hand to another like gears working their magic in the mechanics of it. Just thinking about all the people whom I used to care about so much and how their absence in my life right now can be so insignificant - it's pretty scary isn't it? Knowing how strongly one declares his love for another in a day of the past can be so insignificant to both parties in years to come. Knowing how much pain one had a decade ago can be a passing thought to him a decade later.
And you think - what would you be to another in a decade? Would he still tell me he still loves me very much? Would he tell me that he'd be no lesser of a man to me? Would she be there for me even at 3am in the morning still? Would my heart still beat with passion? Would memories that I've shared with another be just another photo on the wall? Would that ring that I used to wear everyday lay there in the glass cabinet and be a reminder of heartaches that has yet to arrive? Would I still love you the very same?
Or what if you still do love the very same person so much a decade later? How would you feel being just referred to as "the girl who set my heart on fire"? Or be a reminder of heartaches that lives in the remnants of the history you both shared? How would you feel knowing that the other party feels a lot lesser for you than you'd let show?
Would you seize the chance now to tell whoever how you really feel? Would you recklessly love? Would you wear your heart on your sleeve? Would you not fear rejection and disappointment and know that hey, at least you loved.. That at least you dared. That at least you feared. That most of all, you learnt.
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But I guess most of us fear. And we handle fear a different way. Some of us take a deep breath and go with our heart, some of us work based on gut and instinct and our head. We learn only when we hurt, we learn when we realize that time makes us look a fool. What seemed to be the beginning of something turned into the horror of realization of an ending.
What happens when you don't need to experience things when you can just learn when you're a spectator of other peoples' lives? You try to be there for people and you try to share it with them. You try to cushion their fall, you try. You just try. And then you realize your own ways of coping with change and fear. It shuttles between the good and bad of it all, and you may turn wary and cautious. You tell yourself constantly to take conscious care of your own heart just as you would with a prized possession - don't place it anywhere, don't leave it behind, don't lose it, don't lend it.
And just when you thought you found a perfect hiding place for your heart when you don't need it... Bam. Your heart fell and bruised. Your heart got scratched and bruised. You thought you could let loose for awhile, but time tells you otherwise. You learnt lessons you thought you knew, you feel what you could've felt without the need of being involved, you possess new eyes and see things dimensionally. And you start hurting, hurting like anyone out there. Hurting for another eyeing you this whole time. Hurting so another could learn a lesson or two from you.
So you learn to not let down your defence so easily. You learn not to be attached. You learn to block out unnecessary daydreams and what-ifs. You learn not to look upon strangers with dreamy eyes. You learn to be like an onion, people having to peel layer after layer to hit home. But still you clutch on tightly to that heart no matter what. You don't know if that is the best solution to preventing a broken heart, but you work with what feels right for now...
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And with that, today I feel like I miss people that I could've gotten a lot closer to. I miss people that could've been given second chances. I miss people that could've been a bigger part of my life. But I know I'll wake up tomorrow knowing that I'd rather look forward to more tomorrows instead of wanting to relive yesterdays.
Oh... yesterdays. I miss a lot of yesterdays, and sometimes I wonder if the same people feel the same way. Oh, I am human and I just can't seem to let go of certain yesterdays and sometimes I wish I could be impulsive. Just.. sometimes.
Sometimes I wish I had a lot more feelings for people (like.. or maybe especially you),
x L
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