heartbreak warfare;

I haven't been in a good mood to blog lately cos my little baby has been recently been diagnosed with her spinal problem... and it makes me so sad looking at her condition worsen day by day. She's been shaking a hell lot, and today, she stumbles and fumbles and falls when trying to walk. Most of time, she just skates across the floor. I don't know how to feel about it, but I'm trying not to think about anything else... for example like death, putting her down, it being chronic etc. And I find it insensitive if anyone talks to me about anything negative like that. There's a difference between being insensitive and practical. And okay, I suddenly feel really annoyed by it. 

I can face up to "reality" and I know that dogs will die sooner or later, and that illnesses comes with age and I try to make peace with death all the time. I try to make peace with a lot of shit in this world, and the shit people give to you. But me not talking or thinking about it, doesn't mean I do not make peace with it nor understand it. I am not naive, I do not foolishly believe in forever, but neither do I want to dwell on the negativity when all that I have right now is okay for me to actually be happy. I am not living in "Ignorance is bliss", but I'm trying to work on "Be contented and happy with what you have." I have my dog, she's alive despite her deteriorating condition, why cry about her death which will come knocking sooner or later? I have what I have, and I'm gonna make it work for now.

I am happy for now that my dog can still have a healthy appetite. I am happy that she can somewhat still have the determination to move. I am happy that she can still be silly and still want our hugs and kisses and petting. I am happy that she is still curious about her surroundings and whatever we do. I am happy that she still reacts to things I say. I am happy that she still can bark. But most of all, I am happy that she still is alive and fighting.

But I can be unhappy for a hell lot of others things. I can be unhappy that her condition is getting from bad to worse. I can be unhappy that her condition could indirectly be caused by us. I can be unhappy that such a thing could even happen. I could be unhappy even with the fact that I got a dog when I wasn't even prepared to have one in the beginning.

But fuck it. Really. If you're one who likes to worry and think, oh my god, she may have to be put down, she may be reduced to paralysis, she may not be able to move.... then please, don't talk to me. I don't need your negativity or insensitivity. It's like going to someone who is a potential candidate for death and asking them if they're really gonna die. 

I know I sound pissed or whatever, but I am just focussing on what I have right now and I am happy for whatever that I have for now. I am hoping and praying that my little doggy woggy would be able to walk properly in months to come, and that the painkillers would take away most of the pain. 

I cuddle her a lot and tell her, "I know this is frustrating and you want to do something about it, but you can't show your pain or tell us how you feel exactly, but just rest okay? Just sleep and don't give up." And I sing her Sheldon's lullaby and I talk to her whenever I can. I am of course human, as much as I am able to look and feel from a third person's point of view. I want to cry, I want to yell, I want to not see the pain that she's going through. But I take it like a man, and I want to be there for whatever I can even if it's bad or good. Like my dad says, that's the thing that comes with pets. You gotta take it as it comes and take it for whatever it is. 

So this is a lesson for you kids. Don't take what you have for granted and be happy with what you have for now. This is life, and things happen for a reason. It's a quiet way of teaching you the harsh reality, it's a way for you to learn that certain things are out of our control no matter how much of "maybes" and "ifs" we can think up of. You have a whole lot of reason to be angry and hateful, but you have a hell lot more to be happy and hopeful. So, be hopeful and be thankful for what you have. Count your blessings while you can :)

x L