x POETIC JUSTICE

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

A perfectly good song which needs to be heard every now and then..

x

I didn't make anything of today. Woke up in the afternoon like I usually do, open edmy eyes and wondered where my parents were, what's there to eat, what CAN I eat etc. And how big of a difference a trip down to my aunt's place has made.

In the car, my mum talked about my friends who were leaving to further their studies, how she couldn't fall asleep every night thinking about me somewhere foreign instead of being right beside her hearing my breathing while I sleep, what if I had fallen ill or gotten food poisoning and nobody's there?, why weren't there anyone going to be going with me? etc.

Sidenote, I didn't feel as sad as I did back in the car but there's a certain special kind of feeling I have just typing out those words above.. I can't imagine the vast difference of a person I'd be somewhere else. I could build up a whole new me, I could be anything.. Hell, I could make believe I was invincible.

Sometimes I wonder if I overlooked my ability to study. I think big, I dream big. But I haven't been in the game for so long... what if I realize it isn't all that I'm cut out for? What if I fell back into the slump where I really couldn't give anymore?

But anyway... I guess a lot more is at stake now that I'm gonna have to really be a big girl now. And I gotta walk my talk. WORK IT GIRL, WORK IT.

So anyway, I reached my aunt's place and I immediately went to look for my twelve year old cousin... who was in the dining room doing a test paper to prep herself for her upcoming PSLE. I was like, "Whoaaaaa PSLE, dude." And I briefly thought, "Oh my god, I watched this kid grow up.. for twelve frigging years.. what the. I've been through most of her everything. Her taking of family photos, her constant desire to be exactly like me, her tantrums etc." And here I am, I could hold a perfectly normal conversation with her just like how I could've with any of my friends.

Wow. I told her to "Stop growing up!" with mock anger. She replied with a, Why? So you can bully me again?" Hahahahaha no kid, of course not, your terror period is over. It just isn't fun growing up anymore.. which was what I really wanted to say but I just laughed and shrugged it off and held on even much more tightly to her Science textbooks and walked on.

So we were just there, trying to figure out her science questions.. heat, electricity, sugar and all those fancy stuff. And we even talked about going to Korea or Japan and then playing iPhone games and all that... And then she brought up the kinds of schools she's considering to go to and what she wished to be when she grows up (a vet just like her dad).. And I just had this thing where I wanted to be a bigger sister to her you know?

I just had this sense of pride, this.. this feeling of wanting to be there for her everything. Her graduation, her heartbreaks.. and hell, I BETTER BE AT HER FIRST PARTY. I guess I felt exactly what my sister felt when she had her first proper conversation with me. I just wanted to be a sister figure for her. She's an only kid and she's been through so much with the family, and I could be all she's got you know? I could be her shopping partner, her confidante, her "go-to" for anything she can't ask her mum... It just, it just seemed so clear to me that I needed to be so much more involved in her life. And then I imagined all the things we could do, we could hang out, we could talk about her childish friends, we could shop, we could eat awesome pasta and pizza, we could sing in the car like we always do while I drive her to places...

I just basically build an entire life I visioned with her. And that's crazy isn't it? I guess that's what love does to you? Fools you to believe you could be made for bigger things, made to do so much more... But I think I'd rather be fooled for now. I just know I need to be a sister she's never had :) And her text "You're awesome couzin" justified it :) 

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That's what inspired me today. I woke up feeling like nothing, and I'm gonna fall asleep feeling like I am a somebody in somebody's life. And that is somewhat keeps us breathing isn't it? To know we're so much bigger than we think we are to someone else.

ps. And you my friend, you're still big in my life despite my stubbornness to admit it and my pulling away? Shows I still care. But you're going down down down and far far away from me more than I'd like you to..... So please stop going away anymore. I don't know how to make it right anymore.

x L