for everything a reason;

I woke up with a terrible headache and eyes that were heavy and puffy on a Friday morning.. and the first thing that came into my mind was, "Enough was enough". No I'm not going through a breakup(lol) but it does feel like it, strangely. And it really does suck to know that you're the only one moping around the house, listening to words just to kill yourself, waiting and staring at pages and time... The nights belonging to the past few weeks have been dark, way too dark.. But the demons I fight within these four walls have been my own, and who can we turn to..? So it's just us in the battle right? Then you just question everything you thought you've learned. Faith, love, life? I think it died with you.

 

Then I realized that a certain thing would never happen.. at least not with how it's working out right now. So I gotta step up and do something about it, shouldn't I? And things that we used to say just vanished and lost itself to time and faded into being an expiry. Nothing is really set in stone, has anything ever been? So I guess I have sorted my thoughts out a little and yeah, feels like I can breathe a little easier, my footsteps lighter, my head a little higher. The occasional thought pops into my head and I often question, "What do you want?"... really friend, what do you want?

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Yesterday was a first opening up a little about how I really felt and asked naive questions. Met up with a friend who used to just linger in my life and it really did felt like back when we got close :) She told me of a friend whom she used to be close with, and then he got torn being trying to be there and feeling for her.. and it ended up between an all or nothing. She told me, "It happens a lot, you know?" Then it made me wonder, has drifting away from people become such a norm that the pain we feel shouldn't even be more than a prick on our fingers? That we should be bulletproof and just give a little acknowledging nod while passing by someone who used to be really special? 

All or nothing.. was that what people mostly wanted? I thought of myself to be an all or nothing person, black or white.. because the grey areas was too much to handle. It brings out questions like, "To what extent...?" How selfish can one be? How giving can one be?

Must we cross the line, only then to know where to draw the line?

So she said everything between them changed. That guy cut off all contact with her and when they see each other, it just became awkward because they both know that there had been a special bond between them but....? I've always thought that, if you were once so close, you could still figure things out in the end and get through shit.. but yeah, thinking back to the things I've had and shared, the words exchanged.. it's all melted away with the sun hasn't it? It sucks to think of what I've held so dear to me just fade away and forgotten. Yeah, it hurts. It hurts to know that people can forget so easily because they want to protect their hearts?

But thank you anyway, 

x L