LIVE, OR FIND A WAY TO LIVE

Your thoughts don't have words every day

They come a single time

Like signal esoteric sips

Of the communion Wine

Which while you taste so native seems

So easy so to be

You cannot comprehend its price

Nor its infrequency 

Emily Dickinson

I've always had a thing for writing, always loved to conjure up strange little stories, put a catchy phrase to something, or just try to place a thought into words. I never said I was good at it, but I'd like to think I am. I've never felt any further from this.. love(?) of expression. Here I am staring at books that I thought I'd read but I never had the guts to pick it up and finish it, because "there is always another time for this".

Which then leads me to deciding about what I really want to do in future. The only thing I have ever been sure about is writing, because I was brought up to love English(as boring as it sounds). I've read and reread countless of books, listened to BBC news, attempt short stories, tried to figure out literature on my own in primary school etc. I mean, what's not certain about it right? And then bam, here I am, just a B like every other other person. Able to string a couple of words together with my honesty and that's.. just probably about what I can give. I can't be a Shakespeare or Sophie Kinsella but I know I can be myself. And sometimes you wonder if yourself is enough to offer to the world.

But anyway, back to the love of English. It's just sad that I have already decided that it isn't the path I want to take, and it's the battle of what I like and what I can do. I do not know what I can do and I don't consider myself to be ambitious but I've more or less decided that I can't do what I like(LOVE. I LOVE.) and it just pains me to see my dream die with the stupid reason of "I won't go far in future".

I've never had a lot of dreams that I was certain I'd pursue and this dream faded out just like a candle. It burns and then it follows the wind; it was just a matter of time and how you kept it alive.

But of course, a resolution is needed and I have probably somewhat resigned to keeping this love as a hobby or some sort - but really, no labeling is needed for this fine line is drawn and boundaries made known are purely for the blurry eyes of the world.

I would love to live the rest of my life indulging in this love but the world that we're in, isn't purely made of us. We're the nothing of everything, and yet, we're everything to the little things. So kids, learn to live your dream and know that living your dream takes a lot of guts(balls, I would say) or find a way to live knowing you can't live it.