Hello?

Hi, this feels weird. Why does this feel weird? Okay, so I'm just gonna cut the crap about me being a virgin blogspot user and just onto my first post. It's not really a first post virtually, but it has been a first post in a long time. Me plonking my ass down and actually typing how I feel. I actually miss it. You know, the whole "I am whining and y'all should listen i dont give a shit" thing. And then people are suppose to go "oh hell yeah" or "bitch go die" okay I'm just kidding.


/
I know people don't stop to read or go word by word any longer, and it's pretty sad huh? People are so into rushing throughout their lives to reach the end goal, they don't savour the bittersweet taste of the whole process. It makes me wonder if that's what we're here for. To rush throughout our lives trying to reach to some sort of conclusion that makes us "rich" and "successful" which probably would equate us to thinking we're "happy" or something like that. We do the occasional standing on the street, wondering if running instead of walking would make any difference, wondering if the sacrifices we make at home is worth anything at work, wondering if the small amount of time we take out to show affection to others would make them smile. You lie on your pillow, feeling like you can't go on and you need answers but you wake up the next morning and everything you felt has been sucked away by the ticking of your clock. You go back to "5 more mins 5 more mins!", gulping down coffee, running for the bus, hurriedly scribbling... thinking how much you could do with more time for this and that.


But I've come to realise, we'll never ever have enough time. No matter how much we plan for the "perfect" amount of time for anything,there's never gonna be enough time to better something, to change, to relax, for everything. What we need to know is that, this is now. The change we're gonna make has to happen now.


I admit, I still do think, oh when I'm done with this project and graduate, I'm gonna be a better me. I'm gonna shed my old skin and grow into new ones. I'm gonna be someone else, prettier, smarter, healthier, skinnier, trendier, wittier etc. It's like dreaming it up is already half the battle won. But here I am, standing here(ok, sitting, rather), still the same old me with just a lot more time on hand.


So this is gonna lead to somewhere. I decided to stop smiling and dreaming up of better days and time, and I'm gonna make it happen. I've had so much plans for myself, and it needs to be done. I need to be better, and I realise I need to change for the better. So I'm glad the realisation in over, but the working on it part is gonna be tough. So my trusty planner's on hand.. oh wait, it's in the bathroom :\ nevermind, i can make a list now.


But what my point is, is for you to just start now. Don't wait till your birthday is over, or your workload to be lesser, or your whatever to be over, just start now. Baby steps at a time. Your tomorrow's never gonna come if you don't headstart today. Or something like that. Hmm.

/
So you must wonder, what do I want to be better at? Why do I want to change? Will I be me anymore if I change? But think about it, we're constantly changing. There's no one other than you even if you're gonna change. You can do a total 360 degrees change and still call yourself you right? Who the hell gives you a stamp to say "YOU'RE NOT YOU, GTFO". But what I'm really trying to say here is, we'll never ever be the same. We'll never ever be our old selves or "ourselves" in 10 years time. So don't be upset if people tell you, you've changed. Take it and go. No, take it and go, and think about it. Can I better this change? Do I like this change? Or have I just matured from before and nobody wants to accept it? 


I'm not the same girl I was 5 years ago, I'm not that easy to push around and I have more barriers up than before, but that doesn't mean I'm not me. It's me awakening to some sort of realization buried deep down. I don't view it as bad change and nobody thinks its a problem, in fact, it has given quite an awesome time because I'm much more certain of so many things. I'm slowly liking the idea of a good change, and yeah, be comfortable with your change. That is all.


/
So I decided, I need a list. My 2010 has just begun, and I need a list. I just love lists. If I could, I would do a list of everything. Okay, that sounded obsessive but :\ you get the gist. Lists gives me order in my very messy err handling of matters.


1. Must become a better friend. In this sense, I shall be much more physical about it. LOL okay I don't mean letting them touch me to fulfill their craving kind of physical,but more like, showing it through IDK, handmade things or small little actions and stuff. I've always been on the receiving end and the only thing I give are my emotions(in which they'd better know or else I'm there to strangle them) which obviously are good and better than anything, but people are always touched by the simplest of things. Reassurance, that is. Oh yes, and I don't like buying things for people if you must know, God knows how bad I am at doing things like that. Need to change that, I prefer dreaming up of the perfect surprises and gifts rather than the actual doing of it... boring!


2. Read. I love reading. But this passion somehow died... 3 years ago? School can really suck away your life + priorities but hey, who's making excuses right? Anyway, me is gonna head to the library first thing in the morning. I must read at least 3 books a month. And oh, reflect on it. Unless it is a Chick Flick... which teaches nothing other than happiness, true love, miracles, money and clothes are awesome but don't get too addicted, your prince charming will come and remember, he's always the one who has always been there for you/random popping up in your life is awkward situations/your bestfriend/your gardener etc. So no point reflecting on it. READ THE NEWSPAPER DAMMIT.


3. Write any chance I get. I used to own tons of diaries and hoped to build up a collection one day so I could read it back. I shall start this year, which means getting a pretty diary. BY THIS WEEK. And oh, I should start writing short stories, or songs or something. I need to start writing Serious.


4. Get a boyfriend. LOL. Seriously, it's high time I got myself a man HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA sorry it's just hilarious. My friends, now you know, you need to introduce to me a cute, smart guy k. xie xie kahmsahamnida thanks arigato errr thanks thanks thanks


5. Be organized/neat. This means I need to constantly pack my room, and get holders or whatever, anything to get things organized. Packing begins this week.


6. Practice my damn piano, and retake my Grade 8 theory. And maybe start piano classes again??? Must get a diploma in my life, why is this taking forever when I'm so close to it :|


7. Be more pro-active at home, not in terms of family matters, but more of house hold matters. This means I will be giving people tummy runs hahahahaha kidding, but I do want to learn how to cook :\ okay, someday. It's too early for now. So I'll just stick to walking my dog, washing the dishes, cleaning the windows etc.


8. Exercise. Okay, so this is kinda impossible. I'm not exactly a healthy freak, and I'm not exactly a exercise freak.  I'm a total bum. With a capital B U M. BUM. I seriously need to start my swimming regime(or rather, ATTEMPTING swimming regime), or work out that step machine at home, or join Amore, or dance classes or something. If I'm not starting an exercise regime, my friends, permission is given for you to knock on my door and drag me to go run(NO LAST RESORT PLEASE).. okay i feel sick just looking at the word run.


9. Be much more responsible & decisive. I realized I haven't been to strict on myself when it comes to certain matters like spending and stuff, so I really need to be much more decisive and responsible this year. I need to be sure and clear instead of just pushing my way around things. FOCUSED OKAY. FOCUSED. A lot of decisions will be made this year, and I shouldn't even allow room for "maybes" and "what-ifs". It should instead be, "go ahead" or "work harder on it" or "stop if it doesn''t work out". *nods head* be firm people, be firm.


10. MAKE EVERYTHING WORK. Work it work it work it work it. Nothing will happen if nothing is put in action. A dreamer will forever dream and this dreamer needs to start living her dream :)


/
There is so much more but I'm mentally exhausted. Not to mention, my sister thinks I'm typing way too loudly. Be back with picture updates ;) Can't wait to lag your computers ha ha ha, way to go, evil me.

 

Here is sasha, to congratulate you for bothering to scroll down here or to read it. Or something.